In life, when I get restless or something feels unsatisfying - I immediately want to make a change. This can be a good thing, I'm fairly proactive about stepping forward and improving relationships, situations, and even possess lofty goals of battling social injustice or spiritual distance.
Every strength is also a weakness.
A few months ago I made a master list of what I wanted (list one, my values) and ways to fit this more smoothly (list two, everything that feels incomplete). The one of my values had things like "enough free time for Sylvain and I both to have some down time" and "peaceful family evenings of conversation and connection" and "healthy meals" and "investing in others" so on. Then the other list was of changes that I could make to help me get there. This very long list included things like: "Have a dime fine jar for kids who leave out shoes and coats" and "paint the deck" and "arrange weekly or bi-weekly date night" and "change rug in guest room" and "exercise" and "give kids piano lessons" and "clean out attic"
There are a few things I forgot about making changes.
When I was concerned about my 2 year old that couldn't be understood, I took him to speech therapy. It took 5 years of inconvenient appointments before he had clear communication. Five years before there was the change that I wanted. Point #1 change takes time
When I was a stay at home mama and couldn't leave the house very often with my 3 kids under 3, I wanted to know that I was involved in a world bigger than myself. And I wanted a creative outlet. Photography for charity became a do-able ministry. I could work on things at home during naptime and invest into something outside of myself and choose my own hours. But learning how to work with my camera and with lighting and with photoshop all took a lot of mental investment. Point #2 change takes effort.
I have seen with friend in tricky marriages that, even if they're ready to improve the situation, a lot depends on the partners cooperation. (I do love the book "How to change your marriage without talking about it" as a point that we can make changes without waiting for someone) but overall - changes involve others. I've seen it in wanting changes in your teenager... in wanting changes in your career... in wanting changes in health. We don't always get to control changes. I sometimes falsely think that because I don't have a full time job, that I'm in control of things in a special way.
So Mother's Day, a few days ago, I just fell apart.
This past year has been a lot of volunteering. It seems that the way to give love to the people in my life is acts of service. That's what is needed. It's a lot of busy that is meaningful but doesn't always have validation attached. Also it's a year of slow involvement - like homeschooling - and I am hungry for something that has fast results. Therefore, on my list of things, I wanted to do some furniture flipping. Taking an item that needed some help and repairing or restoring or repainting it, and then reselling it. This was on my list because it is a way to make cash and have instant gratification. It's something lacking - that affirmation that comes through money. That sense of accomplishment or worth through having someone pay. So I started that too - going to pick up furniture and hauling my kiddos around crowded into the van full of dresser drawers. Painting and shooing the 2 year old away from the can of primer. Posting pictures to varagesale and arranging pick up times.
And I like it. It's a welcome change...
but...
It makes me feel like my children, and husband, are interruptions
When my husband comes home I feel like it's catch up time - that he can take the kids while I get to finally finish that project
That he gets to plug into dinner dishes so I can pick up an item that wouldn't fit with car seats in the van
And this brings me to point #3 and point #4
#3 change involves other people and their willingness to change
My hubby is sweetly supportive. And we see eye to eye on core values and what really matters. But my lists aren't his lists. And that catches me off guard. Why wouldn't he want to spend the weekend weedspraying the driveway? And why does he think I want to go make love when I haven't finished the shoe polishing that I put off all day long waiting for a chance without a 1 year old?
#4 changes to reach your goals sometimes means stepping away from your goals
Let me explain this through a joke:
A business man was on vacation on an island and saw a native dropping off his catch of fish and coming to play guitar and nap on the hammock all afternoon
This happened for a couple days and the business man said "Why don't you fish longer then the mornings? Then you could make extra money"
"For what?" asked the native
"Well you could buy another boat and have someone working with you fishing"
said that business man
"For what" asked the native
"Well then you could buy more boats and manage them and not even need to fish and have more money""
"For what?" asked the native
"Well then you could spend all afternoon on a hammock napping and playing guitar" explained the business man
This sums up one of my problems, complicating things when I want to simplify. There is something meaningful missing in my world - a feeling of gratification and accomplishment. I wish I found this in working out or in cleaning the kitchen, but unfortunately I have a drive to create not maintain.
It was Mother's Day when I crawled on my husbands lap crying in confusion about my mess. That in trying to avoid a feeling of being trapped I had made a bigger mess. That in wanting to move forward with my list in order to simplify and have more freedom and time with my family - I was pushing my family away. And I told him how it felt like he got to go to work and come home and that I wanted to leave home and go to work in order to appreciate my home more... but that trying to figure out how to have that sense of work and home separate was so hard. That home stuff always overlapped - timer beeping to take out dinner or dryer beeping that it's finished and if I don't want to iron need to stop what I'm doing to get it. Kids fighting, baby dropping a glass bowl - whatever. Continual interruptions that make everything feel chopped up and unfocused. And unimportant. That nothing I do is important enough to just do - it all gets blurred together in the sandbox and diapers and grocery shopping.
Telling him all my feelings didn't make him feel very appreciated. Especially after he had tried to make a nice Mother's Day for me. But he didn't remind me that I'm my own worst enemy. He didn't remind me that I should be grateful. He just listened. And I had a good cry and felt better.
I went back to my original list - the one of goals - real goals. The values. The ones like "Spending quality time with my kids and husband" and "having a peaceful home and a simple schedule" and "meaningful life with less stuff"
and my point number #5 is moderation. Benjamin Franklin said that moderation is the only virtue - or the most important, or something to that effect. I was perplexed over this for some time as it felt wrong. But there is a deep truth in the sense of balance.
For one thing, if I have things on my list like "get blood work at doctor to see why my hormones are off and I had 25 days of bleeding" and "arrange all bills for auto pay (which takes an afternoon of quiet concentration)" and "put toys in separate boxes and only get down one box a day" I should also have things like "Play hide and go seek as a family" and "family bike ride" and "family dance competition after dinner with special dessert" - being intentional about the fun too.
Spiritually speaking, grace is not the opposite of effort. Grace is the opposite of earning. And there is a beautiful balance between grace and effort. Between positioning ourselves to be free of distractions and free of worldly cares and free of pride and bitterness... and then the pure grace that is the only answer. It's the "whosoever will may come" and the "Welcome you chosen of the Lord"
and its the balance of intentional change mixed with remembering the real core values
and not throwing away the baby with the bathwater
I spent a day a few months ago cleaning out my closets. Getting my clothing down to a happy simple wardrobe.
Since then I have made several stops to goodwill. It's on the way to the boys school and if I have 15 minutes to kill between an errand and pick up time we will often stop there.
And I add.
It's brand new with tags on, fits great, only $5. Why not.
And then I'm in this wrestling match of adding and simplifying. On a continual basis. With my whole house - adding things because they're a good deal. And then feeling like there are too many toys, too much in storage, too many frying pans, too many shoes... and back to sorting out what to donate.
Moderation. I can add. I can make changes. I can have a creative outlet. I can volunteer. But in sweet balance.
Flipping furniture wasn't my first attempt at finding an outlet. I tried 4 speaking engagements at different womens groups. I tried 4 house consultations for home decor. I tried 4 paint nite teaching/assisting as a potential job option. Through all of which my husband was sweetly supportive. None are a good fit. There are just some complications with childcare, with the effort it would take to get established, with the commitment. That is why I decided to focus on furniture flipping because I could do it with children and in my own time frames. And when driving to get a $5 dresser (that took me 1.5 hours to restore and sold for $100) I felt guilty for having the TV on in the van while dragging kiddos about. I need to have a time carved out for my furniture stuff, if that's the outlet I choose, and I probably need the other things on the list done first (like a rotating menu and delivery groceries) so that I've created some open time.
And it feels constraining, to not get my own time - unless I remember my real values, goals. So my biggest point:
#6 remember truth. Review and renew it. Find the truth in things and don't get lost and caught up in what doesn't matter. Truth brings freedom. Even if it means self denial, which it often does.
The reason I was crying on my hubby was because I felt like I had to give up what I wanted for the good of the family. Again. Because over and over as a mama my choices are based on my kids needs, not mine. Like every mama. And it felt unfair.
But there is this huge truth that was missing in those self pity thoughts.
What I really want is my family's health over my hobbies.
What I really value is simplicity over busy
What I really prefer is connection and relationships and fostering that, instead of instant gratification of something tangible
The truth is freeing.
I don't have to feel sorry for myself when I do something based on core values.
When I come to Christ and He reminds me of what is worthy of worship
What is fulfilling
Sometimes adding things in gives me a false sense of satisfaction or a temporary fix for my restlessness
And, though fine in moderation, it's not a solution
Truth is freeing. It helps me let go of what I like for what I love. It helps me hear the sweeter song.
There is a story of sirens who lured sailors to their death. But one captain made it past these treacherous waters. When asked his secret - how he managed to keep his sailors on course, he displayed his magic flute and said "I played a sweeter song. When my sailors were pulled towards the sirens enchantments, I asked them to focus on my song - and they could push past the traps."
Christ is my sweeter song... That done for His glory is my sweeter song.
So, I volunteered to take her 2 kiddos for a day so she could nap when newborn naps.
Because, silly me, why am I worried about guarding my precious comfort zone when I have that comfort zone in order to serve others.
Why do we live? It's a valid question that my friend who lost her child is sorting out... is everything meaningless and empty? Going through the motions? Or do we live to love - to give - to pour ourselves out in the little ways because that is where grace lives - in the nitty gritty of the mundane and when we don't feel like it anymore. That is where His brightness creates meaning. It's the same struggle I have, though she feels it more keenly. Why does creating something feel more meaningful then the existence of maintaining things that ever follow the second law of thermodynamics?
Why do we struggle with the same fight over and over? Because Christ takes us deeper? Or because we're just prone to wander down the same rabbit trails... Probably both - Christ does have an amazing way of using our mistakes to work Glory. (And of course God forbid these mistakes on purpose - from presumptuous sin that intentionally wanders... much uglier in consequence)
Why do we forgive? Because our core value knows that we don't want to be defined by a heart of bitterness and since we are forgiven my God, we have the power to forgive others.
Would going to work part time or full time satisfy my need for fulfillment? No, it would be a different road but the same complications of finding balance. What I want is simplicity, enough extra to give away (time, energy, love), and meaningful interactions with the people God puts in my life. What will I struggle with? Alone time (introvert needs) and sense of accomplishment and control (nothing would change there, if I were working and needed changes I'd still feel stuck if the job couldn't quickly adapt to my needs for change, which likely it couldn't! Especially if I were working with at-risk youth and wanting their environment and their coping skills to quickly change!)
Lastly,
#7 grace brings rest
It's okay to forgive myself for having this mess every couple of years where I need to find a new balance and groove. My kids change, my life changes, and I have to find a change with it. This is just how it goes. And that is okay. I'm not going to find one perfect fit that lasts the rest of my life. Adjusting and adapting is a healthy part of living. To find something healthy and wholesome for our family needs as a whole and for everyone's individual needs as well. It's okay that it takes me some trial and error to discover it. I didn't go to yoga with a friend because I was too busy with paint nite that didn't work out and missed the exercise and calm that I was actually needing. And I can forgive myself and move on. Accept God's grace and the fact that He's been there for me this whole process even if I was too busy solving my own problems to notice Him at first. And also how offering grace to someone else is a way to offer them a sense of rest. That Sylvain's patience and not blaming me gives me the rest and space I needed to come up with conclusions of letting go of some things and figuring out balance again.
My personality needs to be challenged, needs a sense of accomplishment, needs to create, and needs to be moving forward. It's often useful, and often complicates my own visions and gets me off track. But today is a new bullet point on my list. And that is - grace.
