When I was in college, Tia already had husband and a baby and a house in the big city.
I visited her.
During that visit I spent very little time with her.
I went shopping.
I went out to dinner with a group of friends.
I met a guy that I didn't know very well for him to take me flying in his little private plane.
I stayed up late using her computer in the guest room to talk with someone online and then slept in late the next day.
I didn't ever pause to think that maybe she had hoped I was there to see her or care about her life. I was too busy living mine.
When it was my turn to be married I didn't ask her to be a part of my wedding.
Because I knew so little of her life that I assumed she didn't want to be bothered.
She was all grown up and enjoying this life of...
of...
What did I think about it? Well that she dressed her baby boy in preppy clothes and sat with him at a coffee shop. I didn't have time or money for coffee shops so I suppose I imagined her life was easy and pretty. And that in a few years we'd have something in common.
But she let me know that she'd like to be a part of my wedding - that she'd like to be a part of my life - that the right now counted for her. That was useful for me. To realize that she genuinely wanted to connect even if I wasn't at her phase.
And then I got to that phase. I had little children and I was so lonely and overwhelmed and felt so stuck in this endless cycle of maintenance and meals and laundry and breastfeeding. Everything felt so hard.
I was in my red wallpapered bathroom on the phone with Tia when she said something about how fun her kids were getting. Playing pretend games of Peter Pan and analyzing gender roles and having funny conversations. I felt bewildered because my 2 year old was in speech therapy because I was the only one who could sometimes guess what he was saying and my 10 month old didn't talk and my belly was already growing another child. I couldn't imagine the next phase I just felt so sunk in this one.
And then I reached her phase again. My kiddos could be reasoned with and ride bikes and wipe their own bottoms. At that time I complained to my mother in law about some young couple I knew and she smiled a wise smile and said, "Yes, but that was you 9 years ago."
And now when young people - my exchange student for example - butterfly around with their busy worlds of prom drama, I have a new perspective.
I can, like Tia, love and understand. And speak my boundaries when needed. Clearly lay them out. And in giving that explanation of where I'm at (like her saying the being left out of the wedding felt hurtful.) This gives the opportunity for a new level of trust and respect and connection to develop in the relationship.
When I give someone the chance to meet my needs they either do, which helps me continue to invest into them but with a mutual connection, or they don't. If they don't understand or are not able to meet my desires then I have this opportunity to love sacrificially.
At one point I thought the mature thing was to love sacrificially without ever mentioning my own needs. But that is a mistake for three reasons. It promotes burn out. It prohibits me from really knowing myself or offering others to know me or deepen and strengthen a relationship. And it also makes the sacrifice of my own efforts instead of through Christ's spirit. Only once I have done steps of encouraging and supporting growth within myself and others can I then accept grace for the path of sacrificial giving. In other words, it's not useful to let people take advantage of me. Not for them nor for me. But once it's been addressed, I can then GIVE my advantage away if the Lord so leads. And usually He does.
It's a concept my husband explained to me.
If we have an advantage, isn't it a blessing to give it away?
Though my example was my friendship with Tia and the journey of my own maturing, this realization of knowing myself, explaining myself, and then accepting the limitations of others and not needing them to be perfect - this is a freeing understanding that covers a broad number of situations.
It's a meaningful feeling, as I sort thoughts before bed, to not be taken advantage of. Meaningful because I'm in control of my own attitudes and responses. And unhealthy thought patterns can be changed through grace. And I can give grace too. Because when I compare my outside with someone else's outside, there is some sort of tension or rivalry or sense of not feeling understood. But when I look at my inside and someone else inside, I find that we have a lot of struggles and dreams in common.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Connection
There are 800 employees losing their job at Caterpillar, where my husband works. This isn't the first layoff. There have been many rounds in the past several years. But it's the atmosphere of now.
Suddenly someone shows up at your desk. Informs you that you've been asked to leave, and escorts you to the door. This is to prevent any damage to the work you've done it seems. Not to give you time to sabotage anything. Hence, no warnings, no goodbyes and best of luck, no moments of closure or to wrap up the work you've been pouring a large quantity of your existence into. You're just removed.
I relate somewhat to this feeling. I was working with a particular boy who was a foster kid around the age of 5. He didn't speak much. Couldn't bear to be around toilets and went into terror if he heard one flushing. One day his foster parents abruptly informed my agency that they didn't want me to come to work that day. That he was asking for me too often and they planned to adopt him so it wasn't useful to have him bonding to me.
It felt awful. I couldn't even say goodbye. I just never showed up again. And that was that. Abandoned him when trust had started to form.
I wondered if this is somewhat of the feeling of being rooted out of your cubical and moved to the door. Knowing that it had nothing to do with your quality of service. There is no lesson to be learned. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Just a lesson that unfairness wins.
Except there is so much more - there is the uprooting of the whole family, the stress of no income, the pressure to sell your house after school just began, the endless unknown with a current emphasis on your inability to control anything.
But if I could say goodbye to that boy, it would have been something. A degree of healthy in the mess of life. And perhaps some dignity to a job termination would be something too.
I thought about connections today.
What it means to have emotional intelligence.
How that looks.
photo from: http://www.lakeplacid.com/f/styles/1440x700/public/photos/aubuchon-hardare-store.jpg?itok=4QZ4UKvQ
What came to mind was a trip to the hardware store. I was nine months pregnant, my belly like a grape ready to burst, and a herniated belly button that made a funny knob on my taunt skin. I walked through the long isles in a waddle I suppose. And then I was stopped by a very large man. Broad shoulders, tall, strong, good looking in an intimidating way, bearded and vividly blue eyes.
I was used to being stopped - it was my fourth child - but generally by older women who may or may not ask to touch my belly and smile at their own fond memories of motherhood. I was slightly surprised by this burly guy.
"My baby is two weeks old," he told me - as if totally shared experience in the pregnancy thing, and thus obviously comparing notes. Then his blue eyes turned an intense color of aqua as they filled with tears.
He talked for a few minutes. Bursting with pride. His body shaking with love. Uncontrollably protective and helpless. I didn't know if I should hug him, but my body was an awfully awkward shape to be patting anyone's back.
His voice was choked and his words were all tangled and he just told me about the birth and holding this infant and how little it was and how he will fight the universe to just let it grow in sunshine and goodness.
The combination of his crazy blue eyes and thick muscles and weepy voice and heartfelt passion all left me moved. The deep contrasts emphasized the core connections and values - his utter adoration for his child and the ability to see a hefty pregnant woman and know that she would relate to the passion he was overflowing with. And to share the moment with me because we must hold the most important thing in common.
photo from: www.babypost.com/blogs/rebecca-eckler/rebecca-eckler-why-i-loved-people-touching-my-pregnant-belly
I guess that moment of shared passion among the power drills and jig saws left me keenly aware that humankind does connect. We do understand. We do share common themes.
We have the ability to give each other grace and respect and understanding. Because we really can relate to each other. It gets lost somewhere... we are impatient with our children for admiring a butterfly when we want to hurry. We snap at our husband when he doesn't know where we left our own purse. We glare at the cashier as if it's her fault that she's working a crappy low paid job with long lines and not enough other checkouts. We just do this thing where we pamper our self pity at the expense of others. Or shrug at the way corporate business is done. Or forget that a big manly handsome dude is of course totally connected to a random exhausted pregnant frumpy woman.
All these thoughts ended at this one conclusion - when we live from our core values, we connect.
Suddenly someone shows up at your desk. Informs you that you've been asked to leave, and escorts you to the door. This is to prevent any damage to the work you've done it seems. Not to give you time to sabotage anything. Hence, no warnings, no goodbyes and best of luck, no moments of closure or to wrap up the work you've been pouring a large quantity of your existence into. You're just removed.
I relate somewhat to this feeling. I was working with a particular boy who was a foster kid around the age of 5. He didn't speak much. Couldn't bear to be around toilets and went into terror if he heard one flushing. One day his foster parents abruptly informed my agency that they didn't want me to come to work that day. That he was asking for me too often and they planned to adopt him so it wasn't useful to have him bonding to me.
It felt awful. I couldn't even say goodbye. I just never showed up again. And that was that. Abandoned him when trust had started to form.
I wondered if this is somewhat of the feeling of being rooted out of your cubical and moved to the door. Knowing that it had nothing to do with your quality of service. There is no lesson to be learned. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Just a lesson that unfairness wins.
Except there is so much more - there is the uprooting of the whole family, the stress of no income, the pressure to sell your house after school just began, the endless unknown with a current emphasis on your inability to control anything.
But if I could say goodbye to that boy, it would have been something. A degree of healthy in the mess of life. And perhaps some dignity to a job termination would be something too.
I thought about connections today.
What it means to have emotional intelligence.
How that looks.
What came to mind was a trip to the hardware store. I was nine months pregnant, my belly like a grape ready to burst, and a herniated belly button that made a funny knob on my taunt skin. I walked through the long isles in a waddle I suppose. And then I was stopped by a very large man. Broad shoulders, tall, strong, good looking in an intimidating way, bearded and vividly blue eyes.
I was used to being stopped - it was my fourth child - but generally by older women who may or may not ask to touch my belly and smile at their own fond memories of motherhood. I was slightly surprised by this burly guy.
"My baby is two weeks old," he told me - as if totally shared experience in the pregnancy thing, and thus obviously comparing notes. Then his blue eyes turned an intense color of aqua as they filled with tears.
He talked for a few minutes. Bursting with pride. His body shaking with love. Uncontrollably protective and helpless. I didn't know if I should hug him, but my body was an awfully awkward shape to be patting anyone's back.
His voice was choked and his words were all tangled and he just told me about the birth and holding this infant and how little it was and how he will fight the universe to just let it grow in sunshine and goodness.
The combination of his crazy blue eyes and thick muscles and weepy voice and heartfelt passion all left me moved. The deep contrasts emphasized the core connections and values - his utter adoration for his child and the ability to see a hefty pregnant woman and know that she would relate to the passion he was overflowing with. And to share the moment with me because we must hold the most important thing in common.
I guess that moment of shared passion among the power drills and jig saws left me keenly aware that humankind does connect. We do understand. We do share common themes.
We have the ability to give each other grace and respect and understanding. Because we really can relate to each other. It gets lost somewhere... we are impatient with our children for admiring a butterfly when we want to hurry. We snap at our husband when he doesn't know where we left our own purse. We glare at the cashier as if it's her fault that she's working a crappy low paid job with long lines and not enough other checkouts. We just do this thing where we pamper our self pity at the expense of others. Or shrug at the way corporate business is done. Or forget that a big manly handsome dude is of course totally connected to a random exhausted pregnant frumpy woman.
All these thoughts ended at this one conclusion - when we live from our core values, we connect.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
FUN - my Spiritual Journey (this will be a long one!)
Since I was a teenager I've had a God-word of the year...
Words like:
Grace, Worship, Self Discipline, Holiness, Joy, Simplicity, Peace and so on
This year my word is Fun.
Isn't that strange? It seems so unspiritual.
But I'll unfold my journey for you.
Joy I understood. It's choosing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's gratefulness. It's a deep understanding of Christ's goodness and an eternal perspective on the sorrows of this world.
Fun has been something that I push away. It doesn't feel sensible or mature or worthy of my time and energy. It doesn't seem sober.
Before we go farther - BALANCE is the one thing I recognize as both rare and utterly valuable. The Bible says we have an invisible battle we're fighting - not flesh and blood - but mainly in our mind. Fighting for truth amid rampant lies and fighting to deal with the lies in other people's heads too. And Satan loves to push us either direction in these lies.
Isis is growing through lies - lies that hold the tiny shred of truth and gets all twisted. Isis has young girls joining because it tells them, "don't be a sex object like the Western world belittles you to be. Women are women and they want to be known and treated differently"
and after being on this earth a couple decades I do see the ugly lie of girls trying to compete with hollywood and effort and longing into their looks only to one day realize that if that is all someone cares about, life is pretty awful.
Isis tells people "there is joy and connection and community and meaning in our group - if you join us your skills will have value. we may have to sacrifice the world to save it - but it's a glorious mission"
It's crazy to me how terrible these lies are and how much they blind their followers...
but I know how lies are so deceptive
And one of the reasons I believe in the Bible and in God is that it isn't specific - it leaves room for many personalities and many ages and many times in history and it has a clear gospel - but doesn't spell out rules like how long ones shirt sleeves or skirt or hair should be. It didn't make clear lines even on ruthless horrible things - left a lot up to governments and people and learning - but even if the Bible didn't forbid slavery, Christ makes it abundantly clear that we are to only love each other and give up everything for the poor and take up our cross. That is His best. No slavery possible when you're living in the Spirit. The 10 commandments - and then a lot of freedom. Freedom to make bad choices even. And freedom to fight against surrendering to Him... to be scared of giving up everything even though it's our only real freedom. Freedom to choose not to live in the Spirit.
And, on the other hand, we can get carried away on man-made rules and waste precious time and unity arguing over a lot of specifics... Grace is that middle ground - allowing people to have their own journey, encouraging and pointing towards truth and understanding others without needing to be understood. Being true to the Holy Spirit and clinging to Him and positioning ourselves to hear Him and reminding others of the truth that He is showing specifically to them and letting go and facing fears...
This isn't a very Fun blog. Hm.
But that was my backdrop to say how essential it is to live in balance. Not wildly living for ourselves, but not taking ourselves too seriously and being caught up in creating rules for ourselves and everyone else and forgetting to live in the overflow (fruits of the Spirit).
And fun is missing in my balance.
Here is what is needed for fun:
- Delight
-Appreciation and seeing the good
- Boosting happiness in others
- No agenda for others
- No need to change or manage, what is, is enough
- Not taking self too seriously (humility not pride or self importance)
- Connecting fully to the moment (living presently)
- Pure acceptance
- No need to be in control of a situation or another person
- Wholehearted... not fragmented by worry or criticism or guilt or pressure or stress or distraction
- Acceptance of ones self, no need to perform
- Openess and vulnerability and trust
- Abundance mentality. Taking a risk in giving of myself, giving my joy to something because I don't have a scarcity mentality. There is enough and more. Enough energy, enough time, enough emotional availability, enough joy.
- Doesn't oppose wisdom or prudence. Doesn't fight against classiness or self control.
- Is part of the balance Is not a solution in itself.
- Can be an escape from real, or it can be an overflow of real. Just like everything else. Every part of me can be turned into a lie (an escape from real) or be an outpouring of real... and if I'm walking in the Holy Spirit then an outpouring of Him.
My friend Heather and I had a conversation that was so meaningful. About how the answer is in what we dread.
For example, Heather said "I'm afraid of being invisible... because what I most dearly want is to be invisible (letting Christ flow through me!") and I said "I'm afraid of not being enough... because what I really want is to NOT be enough and to source life through His sufficiency so that I actually am living with meaning." And "I'm afraid to change because what I really want is change" and "I'm afraid to let go of my efforts and have fun because what I'm working for is to have fun."
Does the hugeness of that make you smile too?
That our fears are actually the answer?
"I'm so afraid to unconditionally love because... that is what would actually complete me"
"I'm so afraid to absorb the consequences of that persons bad choice and... that is the solution and answer...."
When we talked through and thought through it... yes... the solution is the very thing we fear.
And I'm afraid of fun because it seems like a waste of time.
And then time becomes wasted because I'm living with a checklist of what's worth the effort of really living and what isn't... and then I'm in the habit of conserving and pulling away and not really living...
I'm introverted enough that often, what sounds fun to me is to leave my family and be all alone. That sounds really fun.
But fun isn't a solitude thing. It's meant to be shared.
It's a full body experience. We need to be mentally plugged in and physically plugged in and emotionally plugged in. And that happens (the emotional sharing part) when it's with someone else.
What does the Bible say about fun?
That it's a part of the balance. That fools misuse fun, but that enjoyment is a gift from God - one worth embracing.
Needed for fun:
1. lack of pressure... (so to go away from the work of a house is easier... not needing to think about meals is easier)
2. bringing out joy in others. On NPR an interview with the guy who sings with stars in cars said that his job is to bring out the real in others - the good real... because bringing out joy in others gives his viewers joy. It's a positive message he wants to grow. To help us like ourselves and like each other. It's FUN when we are all bringing out the good in each other.
3. No judging. There is a huge difference in judging and in teaching. There was fun when Sylvain was teaching me to windsurf. Even when he was laughing at my struggles. There was no judging. But there was correction and instruction. Life-giving correction. Not life-squelching. There is beauty in change and learning and being wrong and finding truth and right or having it opened for you. There is no beauty in smothering judgement.
4. Being able to put myself into someone else's experience. If my kids LOVE squirt gun fights... fun could be jumping into the middle and joining in, because of THEIR delight. It's like how holidays are more magical when viewed from your childs perspective. It's about getting into someone elses happiness. For example, I never enjoyed cooking until recognizing the art of others who delighted in it. Once it changed from functional to beautiful, I embraced it - but only after stepping into someone else. I just thought I didn't like it and didn't relate or recognize the joy others had - and until I did, I couldn't grasp the fun of food.
Point number one is interesting to me. I realize why leaving the house, going out to eat, going away to a hotel, even going away to the wilderness - why all of that helps let go of pressure and focus on the present and have FUN.
The easiest is to have spoon fed fun - a nice restaurant or overnight get away.
It's harder to step into the wilderness, to connect to nature and blend into the fun the effort...
But it has more reward...
Not sure why I think that - I just do. A real blogger would figure out why they said it and if it's false.
BUT ANYWAY deeper and much harder and much more meaningful is finding the fun in the everyday nitty-gritty daily grind life.
What does that look like?
To let go of worry. Or whatever goes through your head all day that you label something other than worry. I'm not sure if mine is worry, but I haven't figured out a label yet so I'll call it worry for now.
Our mind was created for the capacity of meditation... to renew our mind in truths and flourish through this journey. But that the track intended for meditation is far more often used for worry.
To have pure fun at the family dinner table, or in washing up dishes afterwards - this is special. It doesn't need to happen all of the time but, to position myself and those around me to experience fun... this is impossibly hard and gloriously worthy.
It's to teach my children, and myself, to live with joy - not only in the big picture - but in the moment.
Olivia, my friend's little girl who died, taught me this.
I've understood the concept of joy - of seeing the refined gold at the end of a trial - but the concept of fun is a different one. Olivia wrestled out the idea of enjoying this current moment and causing others to be present and alive in this moment too.
I've been afraid of fun because pursuing fun so often is a distraction from purposeful meaningful living. But my solution for this meaningful living now requires that I embrace fun... it means I have to live with joy, not just in the truths of eternity, but in the grace of this moment.
The Bible says a Merry Heart is good like medicine...
And everywhere around us the world is sick
And often my own spirits are fighting for health
Fun helps me find the balance. There are many time of choosing to do right because it's right. And feelings do come and go. Doing the dishes wont always be fun. But isn't it a worthwhile effort - to not just do the dishes but laugh and connect and dance while doing them?
Fun includes effort.
I used to think that fun meant instant gratification - which I'm not terribly keen on.
But good fun isn't usually that... good fun has cultivated a sense of belonging, a sense of awareness and appreciation of others. It's not selfish or proud or distant, but approachable and surprising and oh so connective.
It invites others to partake of joy.
It is free.
It invites others to be free.
It invites others to connect.
The work of preparing for a hiking trip, to really marvel at God's handiwork, to position ourselves in a place where we can have soaring spirits, to bring a frisbee in the van because we intend to use it, to have extra snacks to share, to be ready to live generously... it all takes effort. And a track of truths in our heads so we're not caught up into something else - something that blocks us from noticing the lady slipper blossom or a half-second connection in grinning at a stranger over a shared joke that just unfolded. Something that blocks us from preparing to have fun or preparing to live generously.
Fun is to be generous.
To give without holding back.
To smile our brightest.
New thought:
I know many people who tend to pull away from "the system" and carve their own path but need things like funded healthcare (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this - healthcare is just a random example)
And I know many people who tend to climb the ladder and work hard and have a lot to show for it and pay their hefty taxes to cover things like public healthcare (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this either - healthcare is just a random example)
And I used to consider myself a free spirit until I had this conversation with Rachel...
we were talking about potential husbands and what attracted us and she said that she wasn't so keen on responsibility and intelligence and over that preferred passion and connection
This rather shocked me because I would always choose responsibility over passion. One aspect can be trusted, the other can't.
But Bekah also quoted a book that stuck with me, "A lover outworks a worker" and this is where I begin to see the balance. And that responsibility can't always be trusted because without a heart behind it, that will fail. And passion will cause responsibility. And when the feelings come and go - the heart of passion is still there underneath whatever lies have bogged it down. But responsibility alone, without heart, can work off of lies... and that is something that I used to shrug at. But now I see that it's empty and dangerous. It's satan's other side of off-balance. And just as effective in keeping us from living abundantly and in Christ. Just as effective in keeping the church (the body of Christ) from living it's purpose.
I sometimes respect those who are choosing money over meaning in the name of responsibility.
I sometimes disrespect those who are fighting to make life real by "the pursuit of happiness"
I sometimes relate to those who are carefully managing stuff - in such a responsible way - and don't have time for the details of cultivating the important
I sometimes am disturbed by those who have sat at Jesus feet and left me (or someone else) with all the work
Also, it's very clear and easy to see fun when it is off balance. It's easy to see those who use fun as an escape. Who aren't sitting at Jesus feet but are off trying to find themselves and shirking all responsibility.
But it's harder to see soberness off balance. It's harder to find fault with hard workers. With those who are organized and efficient. It's harder to find fault with my endless checklists.
And the answer always seems to be to just get my act together more. Make a better checklist.
And when I really look at the lives of others - and my own - I see the great need for balance.
I went to Northland camp this week. And it was Holy Ground for me. Two summers of such spiritual refreshment. And such fun! We worked. I think we worked a lot. And we were barely paid for it. And I don't think anyone noticed or cared because it was such fun. My summer of working in the kitchen... I loved it. And being a counselor, loving my kiddos and investing into them - pure fun. And seeing them grow and open up - such fun. And competing against our brother teepee in frog catching... I can't say that I like frogs... but when I saw my girls all squeemish I jumped into the pond and convinced them that it was fun. And We Did have fun. And we won if I remember correctly - much to the chagrin of the boys.
Good fun is a sweet spirit. A delight in simplicity. Unity and grace and belonging. A fitting word and an uplifting joke.
I remember a couple who were teasing each other, and all their jokes were underlying compliments. Which sparked my heart with happiness. And it goes to show that bringing out the good in others gives even the bystanders a sense of warmth.
So there you have it. I want to cultivate fun in myself. The kind of fun that comes from connection and joy and effort and simplicity and wholesome spending of myself.
The end.
Words like:
Grace, Worship, Self Discipline, Holiness, Joy, Simplicity, Peace and so on
This year my word is Fun.
Isn't that strange? It seems so unspiritual.
But I'll unfold my journey for you.
Joy I understood. It's choosing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's gratefulness. It's a deep understanding of Christ's goodness and an eternal perspective on the sorrows of this world.
Fun has been something that I push away. It doesn't feel sensible or mature or worthy of my time and energy. It doesn't seem sober.
Before we go farther - BALANCE is the one thing I recognize as both rare and utterly valuable. The Bible says we have an invisible battle we're fighting - not flesh and blood - but mainly in our mind. Fighting for truth amid rampant lies and fighting to deal with the lies in other people's heads too. And Satan loves to push us either direction in these lies.
Isis is growing through lies - lies that hold the tiny shred of truth and gets all twisted. Isis has young girls joining because it tells them, "don't be a sex object like the Western world belittles you to be. Women are women and they want to be known and treated differently"
and after being on this earth a couple decades I do see the ugly lie of girls trying to compete with hollywood and effort and longing into their looks only to one day realize that if that is all someone cares about, life is pretty awful.
Isis tells people "there is joy and connection and community and meaning in our group - if you join us your skills will have value. we may have to sacrifice the world to save it - but it's a glorious mission"
It's crazy to me how terrible these lies are and how much they blind their followers...
but I know how lies are so deceptive
And one of the reasons I believe in the Bible and in God is that it isn't specific - it leaves room for many personalities and many ages and many times in history and it has a clear gospel - but doesn't spell out rules like how long ones shirt sleeves or skirt or hair should be. It didn't make clear lines even on ruthless horrible things - left a lot up to governments and people and learning - but even if the Bible didn't forbid slavery, Christ makes it abundantly clear that we are to only love each other and give up everything for the poor and take up our cross. That is His best. No slavery possible when you're living in the Spirit. The 10 commandments - and then a lot of freedom. Freedom to make bad choices even. And freedom to fight against surrendering to Him... to be scared of giving up everything even though it's our only real freedom. Freedom to choose not to live in the Spirit.
And, on the other hand, we can get carried away on man-made rules and waste precious time and unity arguing over a lot of specifics... Grace is that middle ground - allowing people to have their own journey, encouraging and pointing towards truth and understanding others without needing to be understood. Being true to the Holy Spirit and clinging to Him and positioning ourselves to hear Him and reminding others of the truth that He is showing specifically to them and letting go and facing fears...
This isn't a very Fun blog. Hm.
But that was my backdrop to say how essential it is to live in balance. Not wildly living for ourselves, but not taking ourselves too seriously and being caught up in creating rules for ourselves and everyone else and forgetting to live in the overflow (fruits of the Spirit).
And fun is missing in my balance.
Here is what is needed for fun:
- Delight
-Appreciation and seeing the good
- Boosting happiness in others
- No agenda for others
- No need to change or manage, what is, is enough
- Not taking self too seriously (humility not pride or self importance)
- Connecting fully to the moment (living presently)
- Pure acceptance
- No need to be in control of a situation or another person
- Wholehearted... not fragmented by worry or criticism or guilt or pressure or stress or distraction
- Acceptance of ones self, no need to perform
- Openess and vulnerability and trust
- Abundance mentality. Taking a risk in giving of myself, giving my joy to something because I don't have a scarcity mentality. There is enough and more. Enough energy, enough time, enough emotional availability, enough joy.
- Doesn't oppose wisdom or prudence. Doesn't fight against classiness or self control.
- Is part of the balance Is not a solution in itself.
- Can be an escape from real, or it can be an overflow of real. Just like everything else. Every part of me can be turned into a lie (an escape from real) or be an outpouring of real... and if I'm walking in the Holy Spirit then an outpouring of Him.
My friend Heather and I had a conversation that was so meaningful. About how the answer is in what we dread.
For example, Heather said "I'm afraid of being invisible... because what I most dearly want is to be invisible (letting Christ flow through me!") and I said "I'm afraid of not being enough... because what I really want is to NOT be enough and to source life through His sufficiency so that I actually am living with meaning." And "I'm afraid to change because what I really want is change" and "I'm afraid to let go of my efforts and have fun because what I'm working for is to have fun."
Does the hugeness of that make you smile too?
That our fears are actually the answer?
"I'm so afraid to unconditionally love because... that is what would actually complete me"
"I'm so afraid to absorb the consequences of that persons bad choice and... that is the solution and answer...."
When we talked through and thought through it... yes... the solution is the very thing we fear.
And I'm afraid of fun because it seems like a waste of time.
And then time becomes wasted because I'm living with a checklist of what's worth the effort of really living and what isn't... and then I'm in the habit of conserving and pulling away and not really living...
I'm introverted enough that often, what sounds fun to me is to leave my family and be all alone. That sounds really fun.
But fun isn't a solitude thing. It's meant to be shared.
It's a full body experience. We need to be mentally plugged in and physically plugged in and emotionally plugged in. And that happens (the emotional sharing part) when it's with someone else.
What does the Bible say about fun?
That it's a part of the balance. That fools misuse fun, but that enjoyment is a gift from God - one worth embracing.
Needed for fun:
1. lack of pressure... (so to go away from the work of a house is easier... not needing to think about meals is easier)
2. bringing out joy in others. On NPR an interview with the guy who sings with stars in cars said that his job is to bring out the real in others - the good real... because bringing out joy in others gives his viewers joy. It's a positive message he wants to grow. To help us like ourselves and like each other. It's FUN when we are all bringing out the good in each other.
3. No judging. There is a huge difference in judging and in teaching. There was fun when Sylvain was teaching me to windsurf. Even when he was laughing at my struggles. There was no judging. But there was correction and instruction. Life-giving correction. Not life-squelching. There is beauty in change and learning and being wrong and finding truth and right or having it opened for you. There is no beauty in smothering judgement.
4. Being able to put myself into someone else's experience. If my kids LOVE squirt gun fights... fun could be jumping into the middle and joining in, because of THEIR delight. It's like how holidays are more magical when viewed from your childs perspective. It's about getting into someone elses happiness. For example, I never enjoyed cooking until recognizing the art of others who delighted in it. Once it changed from functional to beautiful, I embraced it - but only after stepping into someone else. I just thought I didn't like it and didn't relate or recognize the joy others had - and until I did, I couldn't grasp the fun of food.
Point number one is interesting to me. I realize why leaving the house, going out to eat, going away to a hotel, even going away to the wilderness - why all of that helps let go of pressure and focus on the present and have FUN.
The easiest is to have spoon fed fun - a nice restaurant or overnight get away.
It's harder to step into the wilderness, to connect to nature and blend into the fun the effort...
But it has more reward...
Not sure why I think that - I just do. A real blogger would figure out why they said it and if it's false.
BUT ANYWAY deeper and much harder and much more meaningful is finding the fun in the everyday nitty-gritty daily grind life.
What does that look like?
To let go of worry. Or whatever goes through your head all day that you label something other than worry. I'm not sure if mine is worry, but I haven't figured out a label yet so I'll call it worry for now.
Our mind was created for the capacity of meditation... to renew our mind in truths and flourish through this journey. But that the track intended for meditation is far more often used for worry.
To have pure fun at the family dinner table, or in washing up dishes afterwards - this is special. It doesn't need to happen all of the time but, to position myself and those around me to experience fun... this is impossibly hard and gloriously worthy.
It's to teach my children, and myself, to live with joy - not only in the big picture - but in the moment.
Olivia, my friend's little girl who died, taught me this.
I've understood the concept of joy - of seeing the refined gold at the end of a trial - but the concept of fun is a different one. Olivia wrestled out the idea of enjoying this current moment and causing others to be present and alive in this moment too.
I've been afraid of fun because pursuing fun so often is a distraction from purposeful meaningful living. But my solution for this meaningful living now requires that I embrace fun... it means I have to live with joy, not just in the truths of eternity, but in the grace of this moment.
The Bible says a Merry Heart is good like medicine...
And everywhere around us the world is sick
And often my own spirits are fighting for health
Fun helps me find the balance. There are many time of choosing to do right because it's right. And feelings do come and go. Doing the dishes wont always be fun. But isn't it a worthwhile effort - to not just do the dishes but laugh and connect and dance while doing them?
Fun includes effort.
I used to think that fun meant instant gratification - which I'm not terribly keen on.
But good fun isn't usually that... good fun has cultivated a sense of belonging, a sense of awareness and appreciation of others. It's not selfish or proud or distant, but approachable and surprising and oh so connective.
It invites others to partake of joy.
It is free.
It invites others to be free.
It invites others to connect.
The work of preparing for a hiking trip, to really marvel at God's handiwork, to position ourselves in a place where we can have soaring spirits, to bring a frisbee in the van because we intend to use it, to have extra snacks to share, to be ready to live generously... it all takes effort. And a track of truths in our heads so we're not caught up into something else - something that blocks us from noticing the lady slipper blossom or a half-second connection in grinning at a stranger over a shared joke that just unfolded. Something that blocks us from preparing to have fun or preparing to live generously.
Fun is to be generous.
To give without holding back.
To smile our brightest.
New thought:
I know many people who tend to pull away from "the system" and carve their own path but need things like funded healthcare (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this - healthcare is just a random example)
And I know many people who tend to climb the ladder and work hard and have a lot to show for it and pay their hefty taxes to cover things like public healthcare (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this either - healthcare is just a random example)
And I used to consider myself a free spirit until I had this conversation with Rachel...
we were talking about potential husbands and what attracted us and she said that she wasn't so keen on responsibility and intelligence and over that preferred passion and connection
This rather shocked me because I would always choose responsibility over passion. One aspect can be trusted, the other can't.
But Bekah also quoted a book that stuck with me, "A lover outworks a worker" and this is where I begin to see the balance. And that responsibility can't always be trusted because without a heart behind it, that will fail. And passion will cause responsibility. And when the feelings come and go - the heart of passion is still there underneath whatever lies have bogged it down. But responsibility alone, without heart, can work off of lies... and that is something that I used to shrug at. But now I see that it's empty and dangerous. It's satan's other side of off-balance. And just as effective in keeping us from living abundantly and in Christ. Just as effective in keeping the church (the body of Christ) from living it's purpose.
I sometimes respect those who are choosing money over meaning in the name of responsibility.
I sometimes disrespect those who are fighting to make life real by "the pursuit of happiness"
I sometimes relate to those who are carefully managing stuff - in such a responsible way - and don't have time for the details of cultivating the important
I sometimes am disturbed by those who have sat at Jesus feet and left me (or someone else) with all the work
Also, it's very clear and easy to see fun when it is off balance. It's easy to see those who use fun as an escape. Who aren't sitting at Jesus feet but are off trying to find themselves and shirking all responsibility.
But it's harder to see soberness off balance. It's harder to find fault with hard workers. With those who are organized and efficient. It's harder to find fault with my endless checklists.
And the answer always seems to be to just get my act together more. Make a better checklist.
And when I really look at the lives of others - and my own - I see the great need for balance.
I went to Northland camp this week. And it was Holy Ground for me. Two summers of such spiritual refreshment. And such fun! We worked. I think we worked a lot. And we were barely paid for it. And I don't think anyone noticed or cared because it was such fun. My summer of working in the kitchen... I loved it. And being a counselor, loving my kiddos and investing into them - pure fun. And seeing them grow and open up - such fun. And competing against our brother teepee in frog catching... I can't say that I like frogs... but when I saw my girls all squeemish I jumped into the pond and convinced them that it was fun. And We Did have fun. And we won if I remember correctly - much to the chagrin of the boys.
Good fun is a sweet spirit. A delight in simplicity. Unity and grace and belonging. A fitting word and an uplifting joke.
I remember a couple who were teasing each other, and all their jokes were underlying compliments. Which sparked my heart with happiness. And it goes to show that bringing out the good in others gives even the bystanders a sense of warmth.
So there you have it. I want to cultivate fun in myself. The kind of fun that comes from connection and joy and effort and simplicity and wholesome spending of myself.
The end.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Seven Airports in Seven Days
This time it took 50 hours to leave my front door and arrive at my in-laws home.
50 hours without more than cat-naps and 4 brave kiddos.
We bought 2 week tickets and later added in a wedding and a trip to Spain which made everything a little crazy. But it worked.
What a wonderful adventure has unfolded (and is unfolding) - and I nearly missed it. I nearly missed it by buckling down and going through the motions.
That is necessary at times, to put mind over matter and figure out something to do in the airport hallway, with a child's vomit on your pants and two hours of Sylvain waiting in the line while I entertain 4 boys. But I can get stuck here and forget to live. I can forget how cute it is that my baby gets yet another meal of cake and ice cream and is thrilled about every new step of his strange day.
The last book I read was "Life is Good" by the LIG t-shirt company (National Geographic publisher). It was truths I already know and hold to - but a lovely and timely reminder non the less.
And truly it was an adventure. We left the airport in Iceland without luggage, hired a taxi, and went to a public bath (you could rent swim suits) and had an adventure in the cold air, hot pools.
With 3 hours of sitting on a runway with nothing to do in Chicago (that messed up our whole trip) an overweight man kindly fished out packages of poptarts from his handbag and offered them to our kids (who waited nicely that whole 3 hours of nothingness)
In the Netherlands a man took us from the airport bus to our train so we didn't have to figure it out
In the Belgium airport a piano was set up and a guy played with such chipper fun music in the hall... his backpack and ticket nearby, and others moved through on their way to their gates with spirits smiling
My sons took good care of each other - accommodated and adapted.
And when a child vomited and I caught it in my hands, the bus became a connected community, offering sanitizer and kleenex from their purses or backpacks.
In Iceland the waiter was kind and accommodating and helped us figure out how to make the most of our long delay. And when the baby threw an hour fit when I wanted to sleep I listened to an outdoor concert - true I was inside and wished my hubby and I could actually go attend - but all the same. The music again made me smile.
And even the 2 hours of driving around Iceland (you have to drive away from the airport to go anywhere) was beautiful. I loved seeing that strange earth and thinking of the different life it would be there.
In Spain I thought for a moment of how without kiddos I would wander the streets and enjoy tapas with my man - but instead sat on a stone step inside the apartment and drew pictures with my 5 year old while putting my 1 year old to sleep. Do you know what? The magic isn't lost. I am embracing the magic of family and connection on the seashore of the Mediterranean or in a train through Brussels or a backyard cookout in Peoria or disciplining overtired impatient kids on a rainy day in France... it doesn't matter - it's all beautiful when I am grateful. And during the day, we did walk about this beautiful slice of earth, as a family.
The first evening we were in Spain, it was cold enough to wear a jacket, the next day deliciously hot for swimming.
And some very good fresh muscles
Today, in France, it was a perfect day of sunshine, working on wedding photos, a french market, swimming pool, chocolate mousse and coffee.
And what is better than a wedding for remembering the wonder of love
If you can, read the "Life is Good" book and connect with me in remembering to embrace this wonderful life. Even if it's the sweetness of your daily commute to the office! There is magic or frustrations in the same moment. This lovely path below made me filled with peace and wonder. God freely gave us beauty. Let's take it.
50 hours without more than cat-naps and 4 brave kiddos.
We bought 2 week tickets and later added in a wedding and a trip to Spain which made everything a little crazy. But it worked.
What a wonderful adventure has unfolded (and is unfolding) - and I nearly missed it. I nearly missed it by buckling down and going through the motions.
That is necessary at times, to put mind over matter and figure out something to do in the airport hallway, with a child's vomit on your pants and two hours of Sylvain waiting in the line while I entertain 4 boys. But I can get stuck here and forget to live. I can forget how cute it is that my baby gets yet another meal of cake and ice cream and is thrilled about every new step of his strange day.
The last book I read was "Life is Good" by the LIG t-shirt company (National Geographic publisher). It was truths I already know and hold to - but a lovely and timely reminder non the less.
And truly it was an adventure. We left the airport in Iceland without luggage, hired a taxi, and went to a public bath (you could rent swim suits) and had an adventure in the cold air, hot pools.
With 3 hours of sitting on a runway with nothing to do in Chicago (that messed up our whole trip) an overweight man kindly fished out packages of poptarts from his handbag and offered them to our kids (who waited nicely that whole 3 hours of nothingness)
In the Netherlands a man took us from the airport bus to our train so we didn't have to figure it out
In the Belgium airport a piano was set up and a guy played with such chipper fun music in the hall... his backpack and ticket nearby, and others moved through on their way to their gates with spirits smiling
My sons took good care of each other - accommodated and adapted.
And when a child vomited and I caught it in my hands, the bus became a connected community, offering sanitizer and kleenex from their purses or backpacks.
In Iceland the waiter was kind and accommodating and helped us figure out how to make the most of our long delay. And when the baby threw an hour fit when I wanted to sleep I listened to an outdoor concert - true I was inside and wished my hubby and I could actually go attend - but all the same. The music again made me smile.
And even the 2 hours of driving around Iceland (you have to drive away from the airport to go anywhere) was beautiful. I loved seeing that strange earth and thinking of the different life it would be there.
In Spain I thought for a moment of how without kiddos I would wander the streets and enjoy tapas with my man - but instead sat on a stone step inside the apartment and drew pictures with my 5 year old while putting my 1 year old to sleep. Do you know what? The magic isn't lost. I am embracing the magic of family and connection on the seashore of the Mediterranean or in a train through Brussels or a backyard cookout in Peoria or disciplining overtired impatient kids on a rainy day in France... it doesn't matter - it's all beautiful when I am grateful. And during the day, we did walk about this beautiful slice of earth, as a family.
The first evening we were in Spain, it was cold enough to wear a jacket, the next day deliciously hot for swimming.
And some very good fresh muscles
Today, in France, it was a perfect day of sunshine, working on wedding photos, a french market, swimming pool, chocolate mousse and coffee.
And what is better than a wedding for remembering the wonder of love
If you can, read the "Life is Good" book and connect with me in remembering to embrace this wonderful life. Even if it's the sweetness of your daily commute to the office! There is magic or frustrations in the same moment. This lovely path below made me filled with peace and wonder. God freely gave us beauty. Let's take it.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Rehashing an old struggle
I'm pausing to journal out my quiet time today, over a cup of tea and the pieces of truth that God has impressed on me...
In life, when I get restless or something feels unsatisfying - I immediately want to make a change. This can be a good thing, I'm fairly proactive about stepping forward and improving relationships, situations, and even possess lofty goals of battling social injustice or spiritual distance.
Every strength is also a weakness.
A few months ago I made a master list of what I wanted (list one, my values) and ways to fit this more smoothly (list two, everything that feels incomplete). The one of my values had things like "enough free time for Sylvain and I both to have some down time" and "peaceful family evenings of conversation and connection" and "healthy meals" and "investing in others" so on. Then the other list was of changes that I could make to help me get there. This very long list included things like: "Have a dime fine jar for kids who leave out shoes and coats" and "paint the deck" and "arrange weekly or bi-weekly date night" and "change rug in guest room" and "exercise" and "give kids piano lessons" and "clean out attic"
There are a few things I forgot about making changes.
When I was concerned about my 2 year old that couldn't be understood, I took him to speech therapy. It took 5 years of inconvenient appointments before he had clear communication. Five years before there was the change that I wanted. Point #1 change takes time
When I was a stay at home mama and couldn't leave the house very often with my 3 kids under 3, I wanted to know that I was involved in a world bigger than myself. And I wanted a creative outlet. Photography for charity became a do-able ministry. I could work on things at home during naptime and invest into something outside of myself and choose my own hours. But learning how to work with my camera and with lighting and with photoshop all took a lot of mental investment. Point #2 change takes effort.
I have seen with friend in tricky marriages that, even if they're ready to improve the situation, a lot depends on the partners cooperation. (I do love the book "How to change your marriage without talking about it" as a point that we can make changes without waiting for someone) but overall - changes involve others. I've seen it in wanting changes in your teenager... in wanting changes in your career... in wanting changes in health. We don't always get to control changes. I sometimes falsely think that because I don't have a full time job, that I'm in control of things in a special way.
So Mother's Day, a few days ago, I just fell apart.
This past year has been a lot of volunteering. It seems that the way to give love to the people in my life is acts of service. That's what is needed. It's a lot of busy that is meaningful but doesn't always have validation attached. Also it's a year of slow involvement - like homeschooling - and I am hungry for something that has fast results. Therefore, on my list of things, I wanted to do some furniture flipping. Taking an item that needed some help and repairing or restoring or repainting it, and then reselling it. This was on my list because it is a way to make cash and have instant gratification. It's something lacking - that affirmation that comes through money. That sense of accomplishment or worth through having someone pay. So I started that too - going to pick up furniture and hauling my kiddos around crowded into the van full of dresser drawers. Painting and shooing the 2 year old away from the can of primer. Posting pictures to varagesale and arranging pick up times.
And I like it. It's a welcome change...
but...
It makes me feel like my children, and husband, are interruptions
When my husband comes home I feel like it's catch up time - that he can take the kids while I get to finally finish that project
That he gets to plug into dinner dishes so I can pick up an item that wouldn't fit with car seats in the van
And this brings me to point #3 and point #4
#3 change involves other people and their willingness to change
My hubby is sweetly supportive. And we see eye to eye on core values and what really matters. But my lists aren't his lists. And that catches me off guard. Why wouldn't he want to spend the weekend weedspraying the driveway? And why does he think I want to go make love when I haven't finished the shoe polishing that I put off all day long waiting for a chance without a 1 year old?
#4 changes to reach your goals sometimes means stepping away from your goals
Let me explain this through a joke:
A business man was on vacation on an island and saw a native dropping off his catch of fish and coming to play guitar and nap on the hammock all afternoon
This happened for a couple days and the business man said "Why don't you fish longer then the mornings? Then you could make extra money"
"For what?" asked the native
"Well you could buy another boat and have someone working with you fishing"
said that business man
"For what" asked the native
"Well then you could buy more boats and manage them and not even need to fish and have more money""
"For what?" asked the native
"Well then you could spend all afternoon on a hammock napping and playing guitar" explained the business man
This sums up one of my problems, complicating things when I want to simplify. There is something meaningful missing in my world - a feeling of gratification and accomplishment. I wish I found this in working out or in cleaning the kitchen, but unfortunately I have a drive to create not maintain.
It was Mother's Day when I crawled on my husbands lap crying in confusion about my mess. That in trying to avoid a feeling of being trapped I had made a bigger mess. That in wanting to move forward with my list in order to simplify and have more freedom and time with my family - I was pushing my family away. And I told him how it felt like he got to go to work and come home and that I wanted to leave home and go to work in order to appreciate my home more... but that trying to figure out how to have that sense of work and home separate was so hard. That home stuff always overlapped - timer beeping to take out dinner or dryer beeping that it's finished and if I don't want to iron need to stop what I'm doing to get it. Kids fighting, baby dropping a glass bowl - whatever. Continual interruptions that make everything feel chopped up and unfocused. And unimportant. That nothing I do is important enough to just do - it all gets blurred together in the sandbox and diapers and grocery shopping.
Telling him all my feelings didn't make him feel very appreciated. Especially after he had tried to make a nice Mother's Day for me. But he didn't remind me that I'm my own worst enemy. He didn't remind me that I should be grateful. He just listened. And I had a good cry and felt better.
I went back to my original list - the one of goals - real goals. The values. The ones like "Spending quality time with my kids and husband" and "having a peaceful home and a simple schedule" and "meaningful life with less stuff"
and my point number #5 is moderation. Benjamin Franklin said that moderation is the only virtue - or the most important, or something to that effect. I was perplexed over this for some time as it felt wrong. But there is a deep truth in the sense of balance.
For one thing, if I have things on my list like "get blood work at doctor to see why my hormones are off and I had 25 days of bleeding" and "arrange all bills for auto pay (which takes an afternoon of quiet concentration)" and "put toys in separate boxes and only get down one box a day" I should also have things like "Play hide and go seek as a family" and "family bike ride" and "family dance competition after dinner with special dessert" - being intentional about the fun too.
Spiritually speaking, grace is not the opposite of effort. Grace is the opposite of earning. And there is a beautiful balance between grace and effort. Between positioning ourselves to be free of distractions and free of worldly cares and free of pride and bitterness... and then the pure grace that is the only answer. It's the "whosoever will may come" and the "Welcome you chosen of the Lord"
and its the balance of intentional change mixed with remembering the real core values
and not throwing away the baby with the bathwater
I spent a day a few months ago cleaning out my closets. Getting my clothing down to a happy simple wardrobe.
Since then I have made several stops to goodwill. It's on the way to the boys school and if I have 15 minutes to kill between an errand and pick up time we will often stop there.
And I add.
It's brand new with tags on, fits great, only $5. Why not.
And then I'm in this wrestling match of adding and simplifying. On a continual basis. With my whole house - adding things because they're a good deal. And then feeling like there are too many toys, too much in storage, too many frying pans, too many shoes... and back to sorting out what to donate.
Moderation. I can add. I can make changes. I can have a creative outlet. I can volunteer. But in sweet balance.
Flipping furniture wasn't my first attempt at finding an outlet. I tried 4 speaking engagements at different womens groups. I tried 4 house consultations for home decor. I tried 4 paint nite teaching/assisting as a potential job option. Through all of which my husband was sweetly supportive. None are a good fit. There are just some complications with childcare, with the effort it would take to get established, with the commitment. That is why I decided to focus on furniture flipping because I could do it with children and in my own time frames. And when driving to get a $5 dresser (that took me 1.5 hours to restore and sold for $100) I felt guilty for having the TV on in the van while dragging kiddos about. I need to have a time carved out for my furniture stuff, if that's the outlet I choose, and I probably need the other things on the list done first (like a rotating menu and delivery groceries) so that I've created some open time.
And it feels constraining, to not get my own time - unless I remember my real values, goals. So my biggest point:
#6 remember truth. Review and renew it. Find the truth in things and don't get lost and caught up in what doesn't matter. Truth brings freedom. Even if it means self denial, which it often does.
The reason I was crying on my hubby was because I felt like I had to give up what I wanted for the good of the family. Again. Because over and over as a mama my choices are based on my kids needs, not mine. Like every mama. And it felt unfair.
But there is this huge truth that was missing in those self pity thoughts.
What I really want is my family's health over my hobbies.
What I really value is simplicity over busy
What I really prefer is connection and relationships and fostering that, instead of instant gratification of something tangible
The truth is freeing.
I don't have to feel sorry for myself when I do something based on core values.
When I come to Christ and He reminds me of what is worthy of worship
What is fulfilling
Sometimes adding things in gives me a false sense of satisfaction or a temporary fix for my restlessness
And, though fine in moderation, it's not a solution
Truth is freeing. It helps me let go of what I like for what I love. It helps me hear the sweeter song.
There is a story of sirens who lured sailors to their death. But one captain made it past these treacherous waters. When asked his secret - how he managed to keep his sailors on course, he displayed his magic flute and said "I played a sweeter song. When my sailors were pulled towards the sirens enchantments, I asked them to focus on my song - and they could push past the traps."
Christ is my sweeter song... That done for His glory is my sweeter song.
I was cranky to take pictures last night. Told myself I was done with volunteer work because I just keep spending myself in ways I cant see results for and I didn't feel like it. But took the pictures of the newborn. And asked the mama how she was doing... she started crying... their 3rd kid. She wasn't supposed to have this baby. She has seizures and passes out and had her tubes tied to not add a kiddo to the mix... but somehow this little guy came anyway. She has two other preschoolers. She has no family in the area. Her sister can't come and help because her sister as a two preschoolers too and one of them has leukemia and they spend half of the week in the hospital. Her husband couldn't afford the time off work so she has her newborn and two preschoolers and has had seizures and just has to hope for the best and push through and she's exhausted. They don't have a support system of friends because she hasn't been allowed to drive for the past few years and thus doesn't join any mom groups or preschools or playdates.
So, I volunteered to take her 2 kiddos for a day so she could nap when newborn naps.
Because, silly me, why am I worried about guarding my precious comfort zone when I have that comfort zone in order to serve others.
Why do we live? It's a valid question that my friend who lost her child is sorting out... is everything meaningless and empty? Going through the motions? Or do we live to love - to give - to pour ourselves out in the little ways because that is where grace lives - in the nitty gritty of the mundane and when we don't feel like it anymore. That is where His brightness creates meaning. It's the same struggle I have, though she feels it more keenly. Why does creating something feel more meaningful then the existence of maintaining things that ever follow the second law of thermodynamics?
Why do we struggle with the same fight over and over? Because Christ takes us deeper? Or because we're just prone to wander down the same rabbit trails... Probably both - Christ does have an amazing way of using our mistakes to work Glory. (And of course God forbid these mistakes on purpose - from presumptuous sin that intentionally wanders... much uglier in consequence)
Why do we forgive? Because our core value knows that we don't want to be defined by a heart of bitterness and since we are forgiven my God, we have the power to forgive others.
Would going to work part time or full time satisfy my need for fulfillment? No, it would be a different road but the same complications of finding balance. What I want is simplicity, enough extra to give away (time, energy, love), and meaningful interactions with the people God puts in my life. What will I struggle with? Alone time (introvert needs) and sense of accomplishment and control (nothing would change there, if I were working and needed changes I'd still feel stuck if the job couldn't quickly adapt to my needs for change, which likely it couldn't! Especially if I were working with at-risk youth and wanting their environment and their coping skills to quickly change!)
Lastly,
#7 grace brings rest
It's okay to forgive myself for having this mess every couple of years where I need to find a new balance and groove. My kids change, my life changes, and I have to find a change with it. This is just how it goes. And that is okay. I'm not going to find one perfect fit that lasts the rest of my life. Adjusting and adapting is a healthy part of living. To find something healthy and wholesome for our family needs as a whole and for everyone's individual needs as well. It's okay that it takes me some trial and error to discover it. I didn't go to yoga with a friend because I was too busy with paint nite that didn't work out and missed the exercise and calm that I was actually needing. And I can forgive myself and move on. Accept God's grace and the fact that He's been there for me this whole process even if I was too busy solving my own problems to notice Him at first. And also how offering grace to someone else is a way to offer them a sense of rest. That Sylvain's patience and not blaming me gives me the rest and space I needed to come up with conclusions of letting go of some things and figuring out balance again.
My personality needs to be challenged, needs a sense of accomplishment, needs to create, and needs to be moving forward. It's often useful, and often complicates my own visions and gets me off track. But today is a new bullet point on my list. And that is - grace.
In life, when I get restless or something feels unsatisfying - I immediately want to make a change. This can be a good thing, I'm fairly proactive about stepping forward and improving relationships, situations, and even possess lofty goals of battling social injustice or spiritual distance.
Every strength is also a weakness.
A few months ago I made a master list of what I wanted (list one, my values) and ways to fit this more smoothly (list two, everything that feels incomplete). The one of my values had things like "enough free time for Sylvain and I both to have some down time" and "peaceful family evenings of conversation and connection" and "healthy meals" and "investing in others" so on. Then the other list was of changes that I could make to help me get there. This very long list included things like: "Have a dime fine jar for kids who leave out shoes and coats" and "paint the deck" and "arrange weekly or bi-weekly date night" and "change rug in guest room" and "exercise" and "give kids piano lessons" and "clean out attic"
There are a few things I forgot about making changes.
When I was concerned about my 2 year old that couldn't be understood, I took him to speech therapy. It took 5 years of inconvenient appointments before he had clear communication. Five years before there was the change that I wanted. Point #1 change takes time
When I was a stay at home mama and couldn't leave the house very often with my 3 kids under 3, I wanted to know that I was involved in a world bigger than myself. And I wanted a creative outlet. Photography for charity became a do-able ministry. I could work on things at home during naptime and invest into something outside of myself and choose my own hours. But learning how to work with my camera and with lighting and with photoshop all took a lot of mental investment. Point #2 change takes effort.
I have seen with friend in tricky marriages that, even if they're ready to improve the situation, a lot depends on the partners cooperation. (I do love the book "How to change your marriage without talking about it" as a point that we can make changes without waiting for someone) but overall - changes involve others. I've seen it in wanting changes in your teenager... in wanting changes in your career... in wanting changes in health. We don't always get to control changes. I sometimes falsely think that because I don't have a full time job, that I'm in control of things in a special way.
So Mother's Day, a few days ago, I just fell apart.
This past year has been a lot of volunteering. It seems that the way to give love to the people in my life is acts of service. That's what is needed. It's a lot of busy that is meaningful but doesn't always have validation attached. Also it's a year of slow involvement - like homeschooling - and I am hungry for something that has fast results. Therefore, on my list of things, I wanted to do some furniture flipping. Taking an item that needed some help and repairing or restoring or repainting it, and then reselling it. This was on my list because it is a way to make cash and have instant gratification. It's something lacking - that affirmation that comes through money. That sense of accomplishment or worth through having someone pay. So I started that too - going to pick up furniture and hauling my kiddos around crowded into the van full of dresser drawers. Painting and shooing the 2 year old away from the can of primer. Posting pictures to varagesale and arranging pick up times.
And I like it. It's a welcome change...
but...
It makes me feel like my children, and husband, are interruptions
When my husband comes home I feel like it's catch up time - that he can take the kids while I get to finally finish that project
That he gets to plug into dinner dishes so I can pick up an item that wouldn't fit with car seats in the van
And this brings me to point #3 and point #4
#3 change involves other people and their willingness to change
My hubby is sweetly supportive. And we see eye to eye on core values and what really matters. But my lists aren't his lists. And that catches me off guard. Why wouldn't he want to spend the weekend weedspraying the driveway? And why does he think I want to go make love when I haven't finished the shoe polishing that I put off all day long waiting for a chance without a 1 year old?
#4 changes to reach your goals sometimes means stepping away from your goals
Let me explain this through a joke:
A business man was on vacation on an island and saw a native dropping off his catch of fish and coming to play guitar and nap on the hammock all afternoon
This happened for a couple days and the business man said "Why don't you fish longer then the mornings? Then you could make extra money"
"For what?" asked the native
"Well you could buy another boat and have someone working with you fishing"
said that business man
"For what" asked the native
"Well then you could buy more boats and manage them and not even need to fish and have more money""
"For what?" asked the native
"Well then you could spend all afternoon on a hammock napping and playing guitar" explained the business man
This sums up one of my problems, complicating things when I want to simplify. There is something meaningful missing in my world - a feeling of gratification and accomplishment. I wish I found this in working out or in cleaning the kitchen, but unfortunately I have a drive to create not maintain.
It was Mother's Day when I crawled on my husbands lap crying in confusion about my mess. That in trying to avoid a feeling of being trapped I had made a bigger mess. That in wanting to move forward with my list in order to simplify and have more freedom and time with my family - I was pushing my family away. And I told him how it felt like he got to go to work and come home and that I wanted to leave home and go to work in order to appreciate my home more... but that trying to figure out how to have that sense of work and home separate was so hard. That home stuff always overlapped - timer beeping to take out dinner or dryer beeping that it's finished and if I don't want to iron need to stop what I'm doing to get it. Kids fighting, baby dropping a glass bowl - whatever. Continual interruptions that make everything feel chopped up and unfocused. And unimportant. That nothing I do is important enough to just do - it all gets blurred together in the sandbox and diapers and grocery shopping.
Telling him all my feelings didn't make him feel very appreciated. Especially after he had tried to make a nice Mother's Day for me. But he didn't remind me that I'm my own worst enemy. He didn't remind me that I should be grateful. He just listened. And I had a good cry and felt better.
I went back to my original list - the one of goals - real goals. The values. The ones like "Spending quality time with my kids and husband" and "having a peaceful home and a simple schedule" and "meaningful life with less stuff"
and my point number #5 is moderation. Benjamin Franklin said that moderation is the only virtue - or the most important, or something to that effect. I was perplexed over this for some time as it felt wrong. But there is a deep truth in the sense of balance.
For one thing, if I have things on my list like "get blood work at doctor to see why my hormones are off and I had 25 days of bleeding" and "arrange all bills for auto pay (which takes an afternoon of quiet concentration)" and "put toys in separate boxes and only get down one box a day" I should also have things like "Play hide and go seek as a family" and "family bike ride" and "family dance competition after dinner with special dessert" - being intentional about the fun too.
Spiritually speaking, grace is not the opposite of effort. Grace is the opposite of earning. And there is a beautiful balance between grace and effort. Between positioning ourselves to be free of distractions and free of worldly cares and free of pride and bitterness... and then the pure grace that is the only answer. It's the "whosoever will may come" and the "Welcome you chosen of the Lord"
and its the balance of intentional change mixed with remembering the real core values
and not throwing away the baby with the bathwater
I spent a day a few months ago cleaning out my closets. Getting my clothing down to a happy simple wardrobe.
Since then I have made several stops to goodwill. It's on the way to the boys school and if I have 15 minutes to kill between an errand and pick up time we will often stop there.
And I add.
It's brand new with tags on, fits great, only $5. Why not.
And then I'm in this wrestling match of adding and simplifying. On a continual basis. With my whole house - adding things because they're a good deal. And then feeling like there are too many toys, too much in storage, too many frying pans, too many shoes... and back to sorting out what to donate.
Moderation. I can add. I can make changes. I can have a creative outlet. I can volunteer. But in sweet balance.
Flipping furniture wasn't my first attempt at finding an outlet. I tried 4 speaking engagements at different womens groups. I tried 4 house consultations for home decor. I tried 4 paint nite teaching/assisting as a potential job option. Through all of which my husband was sweetly supportive. None are a good fit. There are just some complications with childcare, with the effort it would take to get established, with the commitment. That is why I decided to focus on furniture flipping because I could do it with children and in my own time frames. And when driving to get a $5 dresser (that took me 1.5 hours to restore and sold for $100) I felt guilty for having the TV on in the van while dragging kiddos about. I need to have a time carved out for my furniture stuff, if that's the outlet I choose, and I probably need the other things on the list done first (like a rotating menu and delivery groceries) so that I've created some open time.
And it feels constraining, to not get my own time - unless I remember my real values, goals. So my biggest point:
#6 remember truth. Review and renew it. Find the truth in things and don't get lost and caught up in what doesn't matter. Truth brings freedom. Even if it means self denial, which it often does.
The reason I was crying on my hubby was because I felt like I had to give up what I wanted for the good of the family. Again. Because over and over as a mama my choices are based on my kids needs, not mine. Like every mama. And it felt unfair.
But there is this huge truth that was missing in those self pity thoughts.
What I really want is my family's health over my hobbies.
What I really value is simplicity over busy
What I really prefer is connection and relationships and fostering that, instead of instant gratification of something tangible
The truth is freeing.
I don't have to feel sorry for myself when I do something based on core values.
When I come to Christ and He reminds me of what is worthy of worship
What is fulfilling
Sometimes adding things in gives me a false sense of satisfaction or a temporary fix for my restlessness
And, though fine in moderation, it's not a solution
Truth is freeing. It helps me let go of what I like for what I love. It helps me hear the sweeter song.
There is a story of sirens who lured sailors to their death. But one captain made it past these treacherous waters. When asked his secret - how he managed to keep his sailors on course, he displayed his magic flute and said "I played a sweeter song. When my sailors were pulled towards the sirens enchantments, I asked them to focus on my song - and they could push past the traps."
Christ is my sweeter song... That done for His glory is my sweeter song.
So, I volunteered to take her 2 kiddos for a day so she could nap when newborn naps.
Because, silly me, why am I worried about guarding my precious comfort zone when I have that comfort zone in order to serve others.
Why do we live? It's a valid question that my friend who lost her child is sorting out... is everything meaningless and empty? Going through the motions? Or do we live to love - to give - to pour ourselves out in the little ways because that is where grace lives - in the nitty gritty of the mundane and when we don't feel like it anymore. That is where His brightness creates meaning. It's the same struggle I have, though she feels it more keenly. Why does creating something feel more meaningful then the existence of maintaining things that ever follow the second law of thermodynamics?
Why do we struggle with the same fight over and over? Because Christ takes us deeper? Or because we're just prone to wander down the same rabbit trails... Probably both - Christ does have an amazing way of using our mistakes to work Glory. (And of course God forbid these mistakes on purpose - from presumptuous sin that intentionally wanders... much uglier in consequence)
Why do we forgive? Because our core value knows that we don't want to be defined by a heart of bitterness and since we are forgiven my God, we have the power to forgive others.
Would going to work part time or full time satisfy my need for fulfillment? No, it would be a different road but the same complications of finding balance. What I want is simplicity, enough extra to give away (time, energy, love), and meaningful interactions with the people God puts in my life. What will I struggle with? Alone time (introvert needs) and sense of accomplishment and control (nothing would change there, if I were working and needed changes I'd still feel stuck if the job couldn't quickly adapt to my needs for change, which likely it couldn't! Especially if I were working with at-risk youth and wanting their environment and their coping skills to quickly change!)
Lastly,
#7 grace brings rest
It's okay to forgive myself for having this mess every couple of years where I need to find a new balance and groove. My kids change, my life changes, and I have to find a change with it. This is just how it goes. And that is okay. I'm not going to find one perfect fit that lasts the rest of my life. Adjusting and adapting is a healthy part of living. To find something healthy and wholesome for our family needs as a whole and for everyone's individual needs as well. It's okay that it takes me some trial and error to discover it. I didn't go to yoga with a friend because I was too busy with paint nite that didn't work out and missed the exercise and calm that I was actually needing. And I can forgive myself and move on. Accept God's grace and the fact that He's been there for me this whole process even if I was too busy solving my own problems to notice Him at first. And also how offering grace to someone else is a way to offer them a sense of rest. That Sylvain's patience and not blaming me gives me the rest and space I needed to come up with conclusions of letting go of some things and figuring out balance again.
My personality needs to be challenged, needs a sense of accomplishment, needs to create, and needs to be moving forward. It's often useful, and often complicates my own visions and gets me off track. But today is a new bullet point on my list. And that is - grace.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Jackie's Story
Jackie’s Story
If you don’t like where you are, MOVE. You are
NOT a TREE.”
This. This is so true. I think about it all the
time. Honestly though, when you’re a mom of little ones you tend to feel like a tree.
Isolated, immobile, moving with the wind, but never
getting anywhere.
I used to be a go-getter, organized and on top
of things. Now, little things like not being able to find a pair of scissors,
can send me into a downward spiral. This happens more than I’d like to admit. It’s
hard to remember to “Be truly glad, there is wonderful joy ahead” 1 Peter 1:6.
I spend a lot of time in my home. It’s the
easiest place to be right now. I want it to be a peaceful, functional place where
I can host friends and family. I try to remember that “Perhaps, this is the
moment for which I’ve been created” Ester 4:14.
I think this is true for me. God is using this crazy frustrating time in
my life to mold me into the person He wants me to be.
About six months ago I
realized I needed help. I was going crazy. See for your self:
YIKES. You see the problem, right?
STUFF EVERYWHERE! No peace. No function.
I went to Karianne, IKEA catalog in
hand. Looking for advice on how to store my stuff. Instead, she made me realize
I didn’t need more storage, I needed less stuff.
Time to re-think my space. After
all, “God can restore what is broken and can change it into something amazing,
all you need is faith” Joel 2:25.
(Karianne to the rescue!)
This was our inspiration. I knew that in order to make this
happen I would have to completely reorganize the space. Which meant moving the
TV, along with all the cable and internet stuff. Yuck. Remembering the wise
words of Karianne, I thought to myself “Don’t wait to live abundantly!”.
SO, I moved everything as she left. It was tricky. My
husband was very surprised. We had to call the cable man (twice). That being
said, I’m so glad I did it when I did.
Because, about two days later, this:
\\
Not a perfect picture, but this is a real house with three
kids who are home all day. The chances of getting a good picture are about as
likely as everyone taking a nap at the same time. Or all the dishes and laundry
being done in the same day. (Mom humor).
It’s important to note that the one thing holding me back
from making any changes to this space was the fact that I had ZERO dollars to
work with.
I thought that I needed all new things to get a new look.
Karianne opened my eyes to the fact that I probably had everything I need
already.
What I really needed was less. Easy to forget in today’s world.
It’s important to remember what the Bible says. “Do not
conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of
your mind” Romans 12:2. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that means to
pray about everything, even purchases.
Anyway. I was overjoyed with the results in the living room.
All bought was the rug (off of Varagesale) and the plants on the mantle.
The arrow over the secretary was courtesy of Karianne, who
found it on clearance. It totally gave the secretary new life. To think I was
going to put it on the curb just a couple of days earlier. Now I really love
and appreciate that secretary. Especially since I am using it for its initial
purpose, storing books and mail.
Oh and here’s the TV wall:
Since scale matters, and my TV stand looked pretty small for the size of the wall, I took two unused endtables and added them to each side. This not only used everything I already currently owned, but finished off my area. It flows well, but if you look up close you'll notice that they're separate pieces.
It’s been an evolution, this wall. I’ve had random pictures
and sayings in there along with some family pictures. Recently, I decided to go
a different route and hang some classic artwork. I’m trying to teach my kids
some of the basics.
I ordered these prints off of Costco’s website for about $2
a piece. A little Monet, a little Degas, Cassat, some Renoir, and voila!
Instant art gallery. Some of these my Mom had hanging in our house growing up
so I have a special attachment to them.
I remember staring at the “Luncheon of the Boating Party” by
Renoir and wondering who all those people were? what they were talking about?
Also when I encounter
these pieces in the flesh, at an actual gallery, it completely changes the
experience for me.
The plan is to get the kids familiar with these prints then
switch them out with new ones. A fun activity for the family. Function, meet
beauty, oh hello.
Speaking of family. I kind of failed to really consider
their use of the room. Oops.
As it turns out, my husband wasn’t thrilled with some of the
changes. Not sure if you noticed, but the recliner was moved to the back corner
of the room. Not conducive to watching TV or visiting with the rest of us.
Also, now that the TV was moved, the kids couldn’t have a
snack or color at the dining room table and still see the TV. I’m keeping it real here, so don’t judge!
This wasn’t going to work. Oh and it came out later that Tim
was NOT a fan of the new rug. Bummer. I loved it. But, alas, I aim to please.
Here is the solution:
A new rug, he picked, from Costco. It’s big, it’s soft and
it’s more his speed. Ok. I can live with this. Oh and new lights from IKEA.
They are nice, big and bright. They give the modern feel I wanted and they were
only $50 a piece. Making the total investment on this look $200. Actually only
$175, because I sold the old rug.
I’m not worried though, because now I know that if I want to
change things up, I can probably sell this rug for $75 and the lamps for $40 a
piece. When you think of that way it’s less scary.
Behind the couch is a narrow “sofa table” that was actually
part of an IKEA bed that Tim got while we were dating, 12 years ago. Add a
couple of chairs from my grandparent’s dinette set, and abracadabra! A
snack/work area for the kids (and me!). Problem solved.
Whew. I feel like I’ve said a lot without saying any of the
things I really wanted to.
Thanks for reading this far. My writing skills have pretty
much vanished as a direct result of mom brain. It’s a real thing, don’t let
anyone try to tell you differently.
So now…bullet points highlighting my favorite tidbits of
Karianne’s wisdom.
1.
Don’t wait to live abundantly! (mentioned
before, but really the most important thing.)
2.
If you don’t love it, get rid of it.
3.
If you don’t use it, get rid of it.
4.
Use what you have! And if you aren’t using what
you have, sell it and get what you want.
5.
Stop using baskets as a catch all, it just creates
hidden clutter.
6.
One WOW piece per room is enough. (For my living
room I thought it would be the picture/tv wall, ended up being the rug.)
7.
Size is everything! If it doesn’t fit properly
in the space, it’s not meant to be.
My journey is far from complete. I’m constantly on the hunt for clutter and
I’m constantly making a mess trying to rid myself of it. It’s a seemingly never-ending
process, but becoming aware of the problem has changed my life for the better.
Sometimes I do worry though that I’m getting rid of
something that we might need someday and can’t afford to replace. Then I
remember 2 Timothy1:7 “For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and
love and self control.”
The more I get rid of, the less I feel like I need. It’s
amazingly freeing. Psalm 112:7I says “She confidently trusts the Lord to take
care of her”. Why do I expect the things
I buy to take “care” of me. The more I think about it the crazier it seems.
I used to get an overwhelming sense of urgency at a great
clearance sale. I was a clearance junky. More! More! More!
Now, before I make ANY purchase, I ask myself “where will this live” or “when exactly will
I use this?”
This method has been about 80% effective so far. Not perfect
but better than my old habit of “Oh! Only $0.25! I’ll take 50.” It adds up. Not
just at the cash register but also in the closet. Not. Worth. It.
Another ah ha moment occurred to me while tripping (for the
millionth time) on the same toy. Why was this happening? When was the last time
I saw someone playing with this? Then, I threw it away. Directly into the
garbage, with the poopy diapers. No coming back from that.
It felt AWESOME. I got a trash bag out and then another, and
another, and another. No one has ever asked for one of those toys that went
away.
Now I do that about once every two weeks. And guess what,
now they play with their toys MORE!
My favorite day of the week? Monday. Garbage pick up day.
It’s like a new beginning that comes every 7 days.
Hmm. I know there is more. But…mom brain… and it’s getting
late. So that’s all for now. Please, if
you can, say a quick prayer for me that my journey continues, and I don’t lose
sight of my goals.
I’ll pray for you too, if you’d like. You can do anything in
Christ! “For with God nothing shall be impossible” Luke 1:37.
Despite what Satin wants you to think, you are not a tree.
You can move out of darkness and into the light! You just have to reach out
your branches and keep your heart and eyes on Jesus.
It doesn’t matter how you’ve done things before because “You
are not defined by your mistakes. You are defined by God. He loves you no
matter what” Romans 8:38.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
HOME Presentation
Hello, I'm Karianne,
My passion for home decore developed from an early age.
When I was 2 months old my parents moved to the middle of nowhere at a church that couldnt pay them in a house that the last pastor, who has been supported as a missionary, wouldn't live in many years before. It had sat empty and falling apart. My dad patched it together after they moved in. Even their car was held together with duct tape. The community had one blinking red light and an Indian reservation. We were 40 minutes from a town. And the place we lived wasn't accustom to new people. Nor were they very welcoming. My mom struggled with baby blues after her 3rd child and loneliness.
A pastor's wife from the next town over came alongside and befriended my mom. She said, "Lets make your house beautiful!" and created a project for my mom. She was an interior designer and in the 80s the country style was full of layers of crafts and fabric and wood creations. My mom taught herself how to create the things from the magazines that her friend lent her. My dad built the wood shelves with the cut out heart and pegs. My mom wove baskets and painted and sewed and created a beautiful home. The neighboring pastors wife moved back to the city and left my mom a different woman. During the process of creating a home my mom grew. She could sell crafts at shows at the one local cafe. She started building relationships in town because having a pretty home made her feel more confident in her hospitality as well as giving her a tool to invest into others. She could offer help in teaching women to craft, or to arrange their shelf decorations, or to go to events with. It expanded her connections and her confidence.
She didn't have money to buy things. And yet she learned to use what was available and create beauty. And that translated into other areas of life too. She blossomed as someone who could give and live with open hands and embrace and trust God and have the most hospitable home I've ever seen. She's had 17 exchange students, and people over to her house at least twice a week. It might be a mess, but she knows her goals and what she wants her home to be, and it is. Mess or not, it's an open door and a place of heart.
Her journey inspired me to see and cultivate beauty in whatever is in front of me as well. And to be intentional about my home. Over the years I was drawn to another way of living - the simplicity of minimalism. My mom had layers of clutter and decoration and the pretty was often stacked high with papers and randomness and a basket of half folded laundry. I wanted a home was a beautiful place of peace and simple sweetness. It's been a hard lesson for me, and I still have to be proactive and intentional to fight against stuff creeping into my life. I prefer soothing freedom over a home full of things. Stuff = maintenance time. Simplicity = margin.
This nicely designed vignette is full. This country style is becoming a little dated as people are hungry for simplicity and embracing a less layered look.
The Scandinavian style below shows a more minimalist style.
(House on the way)
(trendenser.se)
You can see that this livingroom has some plants and books and the decore would be just useful everyday objects like the teapot and magazine and blanket or pillow. The functional things are pretty, but not items added that serve no purpose.
There is a balance between personality and simplicity.
I want both. I was to have a house that expresses our family and our goals and is lovely to be in. But I also want it to have the simple clean emptiness that gives such rest and calm (and not take too much time to maintain!)
GOAL #1 = balance
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We don't always know what to do - or how we will get from point b to point c to point d,
but we know what kind of a woman we want to BE
Pause here and write out some words of the woman you want to be - a few of your values
There isn't a list of duties a woman must check off to be living abundantly
you don't have to own a pinterest perfect home to achieve virtuous woman status
There is just a list of the fruits of the spirit that are to empower us along our own journey
What we want is for a home that is filled with the fruits of the spirit. So what kinds of things help us have love and joy and peace, patience, goodness, and self control in our home?
http://www.stonegableblog.com/the-fruit-of-the-spirit-printable-chalkboard-art/
Today I'm not here to tell you how to copy what someone else did into your home or what to buy to look like the other person's pretty.
I'm here to ask you about your home - about if it fits what you want your home to BE
If it is the tool that reflects what you want in the place that you and your family gather
This is what we will cover in this workshop:
1. define what direction you want to go
2. identify some of the obstetrical that you'll face
3. get inspired to find creative solutions for your own goals
Two things to keep in mind:
even if you rent, or are in a temporary home, that doesn't mean that this phase in life doesn't count. Your home is the space that you gather with those you love - and whether this is the longterm spot or not is irrelevant. creating a home is important even if it's at a campground! We want to live fully in today. I had a dear friend who announced they were moving and immediately I wanted to stop hanging out with her because I felt like it would hurt to pour more into someone who would be soon gone. God reminded me that this is a scarcity mentality and not an abundance mentality and I kept the friendship intentional, and she ended up not even moving. But being a part of her journey to stay in Peoria was worthwhile. So invest into home right where you are today, even if home is living in a temporary place. Plus, if you do plan on moving, the home created feeling will make it easier to sell and easier to move into the next place!
Second thing: i'm not going to encourage you to buy anything. you may need to make some purchases but probably that is way down the road. and often you can get creative with something that's already there. the effort it takes me to haul 4 boys with me to a store often makes me think harder about a solution that's on hand. It's been a blessing!
GOAL #2 = Live Abundantly
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
List 3 things you want your home to BE
List 3 things you do NOT want your home to BE
Here is a sample of my words:
RESTFUL (peace) - how do I allow and plan for my home to be a place of rest PEACEFUL - candles? Music? lack of clutter? lack of noise?
INSPIRING (joy)- do I know what inspires me? and do know what inspires my children? Do I know the differences between holding on to tokens that I think should inspire me or used to?
CELEBRATE (love) - how do I make our home a place of everyday joys and victories? MEMORIES - do I have boxes of decore for christmas? it is more meaningful to have hand gathered outdoor items from a family walk? Is the simplicity of seasonal decore sweeter because it's not store bought and the process is the magic? Am I trying to buy a feeling that only comes with creating and embracing imperfection?
ENGAGING (kindness, patience, self control) - toy area, tv area, reading area, drawing area, playdough, recycling, clean up routine (The mess box - mom sorts it out later - but kid has put it all away) husband and wife place (coffee)
Avoid words:
BUSY: Life is busy enough. I don't want the house to be. I love dramatic wallpaper, but it doesn't belong in our family room.
CUTE: I have a lot of males in the house. A cutesy room doesn't fit our family.
FORMAL: I want to live life freely and make people feel comfortable
EXPENSIVE: This is a tricky thing because I really really want QUALITY but I really do not want something that I will hold too dearly
What does this look like in real life? Well, it means that if I pick up a darling little item at Target I can stare at it an say "this is small. it's going to need to be completed with multiple things. it's going to get busy. it's so super cute - but cute doesn't fit my goals."
GOAL #3: Evaluate what works and doesn't work
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So now we have an idea of the FEEL we want.
Lets talk about some of the roadblocks
http://noahsdad.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/living-room-full-of-toys-duplo-blocks-down-syndrome.jpg
OBSTICALS:
1. feeling like i don't have enough house or budget to work with
2. perfectionism (perfectionism comes from a need of acceptance where as excellence comes from a desire to benefit everyone)
3. time (plan a rhythm and know where this fits in)
4. clutter
5. children's stuff (baby gear, toys)
6. paper mess
7. This isn't my forever home
one of satan's best lies is "right now doesn't count - the future is important but not today. you're not to the good chapter yet"
I have a single friend who is waiting for her life to start. And I fall into that trap too. "Once the kids go to school..." or "When the baby is old enough to leave for a weekend..."
I have many days where I think "once I have 10 minutes to myself then I will..." and dream of the next chapter instead of embracing this one.
Your next home isn't the one to look forward to. Right where you live, right where you have dinner with your kids, THAT is what matters. This is the moment to which we are called to make a home.
FIND YOUR RHYTHM.
I have a secret.
You need a new rhythm. About every six months.
Find it and re-evaluate and find it again!
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/1c/49/82/1c4982293be2597a3dee5896e36b39b9.jpg)
WHAT WORKS FOR OUR FAMILY RIGHT NOW - and how does our home accommodate this? How does my home help me cultivate the things I'm trying to do?
'''The chalkboard was is a place for me to write out how we spend our evenings, and a time out chair for the kids to reflect on one of the fruits of the spirit.
My home tour shows what is working for me at this phase.
Here are some other of my current gems:
1. I have a calendar with pockets. Birthday invites go in there. I throw away the papers that I don't need.
2. I have a walmart/amazon list and a grocery list. I do some online shopping and grocery shopping.
3. I have a chalkboard wall with our weekly rhythm on it. So mom and dad and kids know what to expect. On game night mom and dad have to plug in for an hour and then we check out and everyone is happy.
4. I have a basket where christmas cards, birthday cards, valentines etc go. We pray for the person and throw away the card.
5. Coupons go in the van door.
6. I do not save receipts or or instructions or things that can be found online
7. I remember these mottos:
“Everyone gets to decide how happy they want to be, because everyone gets to decide how grateful they are willing to be. — ANN VOSKAMP”
“I always apologized for my home to protect myself so people wouldn't think I was a slob, or at least so they would know that I acknowledge I can be a slob and that I'm not okay with it and that really I have much higher standards. . . . When I apologize for my home, I'm declaring to all within earshot that I'm not content. That I'm silently keeping score.”
― Myquillyn Smith
“In her book The Reluctant Entertainer, Sandy Coughlin writes, “Excellence is working toward an attainable goal that benefits everyone, while perfection comes from a place of great need — usually the need to avoid criticism and gain praise and approval from others.”
Hello. Nice to meet you!
What do I do? Oh, I’m a Stuff Manager.
No, I don’t really like it but, isn’t that what everyone does?
My daily routine involves looking through my stuff, putting stuff away, organizing stuff, feeling guilty because I haven’t organized other stuff, fussing at my kids because their stuff isn’t put away, wading through misplaced stuff in our garage, piling up stuff I’m tired of so we can sell it, packing away stuff I’m really tired of to give it away, asking my husband where he put his stuff, sorting, washing, and drying our stuff —
And then dreaming about more stuff that I want and the bigger house I “need” because my precious stuff won’t fit in our current house–I guess it’s too small.
I never planned on being a stuff manager, it just kind of happened and now that’s my job.
Oh, no, I don’t get paid for it. I just do it because I think I have no other choice.
I have a whole other job that I get paid for and I use most of that money to buy more stuff. I’m training my kids to be stuff managers too.
What? Why are you looking at me like that?
My kids have their own space for saving things. When their space is full they have to sort it out. They don't want to ever throw things away so we watched a hoarders episode on youtube. Now they want to donate vbs crafts and special drawings to goodwill. Poor goodwill.
GOAL # 4: Find your rhythm
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you remember anything today remember to consider the SCALE
that and get rid of stuff. Less stuff and proper scale = a pretty home.
Trends change.
http://www.potterybarn.com/products/antique-wood-media-console/
The gallery wall was a great trend. But because one wall was busy the other walls needed to be simple. And now the trend of simple oversize art has been born out of a need for that balance
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/fb/01/77/fb0177cc88cbd97245ebbddd3bb91052.jpg
Distressed furniture used to be in style
http://vintageheadboards.storenvy.com/products/750197-distressed-80-130-yr-old-door-headboards
Now a cleaner look is in fashion
http://www.hgtv.com/remodel/interior-remodel/welcoming-retreat-for-winter-guests-pictures?nl=HGI_110614_bottom4img_&c32=c19d1b171ef45e2af31eec1db63843080a9536b0
Beige walls are out,
Gray walls are in,
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/82/c4/67/82c4676bec165a7cb0e7fc8e7225c34b.jpg
but you'll see the new trends are for white walls or dark bold colors or wallpaper
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/3e/9d/59/3e9d59f7b4a1dac7660c7b542d82ffc6.jpg
http://moderncountrystyle.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/kates-creative-space-full-home-tour.html
http://blog.styleestate.com/style-estate-blog/pinspiration-100-gorgeous-master-bedrooms.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+styleestate+(Style+Estate+RSS+Feed)#at_pco=tcb-1.0&at_tot=20&at_ab=per-1&at_pos=19
Color themes like yellow and gray used to be trendy.
http://den-designstudio.blogspot.com/2010/02/its-gray-area.html
Now bright and bold mixes are current.
http://eclecticallyvintage.com/2015/02/eclectic-home-tour-hi-sugarplum-blog/
Layered decorating used to be in style, Now minimal is the fresh feel
http://www.onsuttonplace.com/2015/05/the-beginners-guide-to-farmhouse-style-decor/
http://www.centsationalgirl.com/2010/09/the-paint-on-my-walls/
Don't get too wrapped up in trends - they keep moving - but find things that speak to you, and things that can adjust easily to embrace a fresh look.
Quality furniture doesn't go out of style - but you can change up the function!
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqulSbHaKOhXmYwQb5wrtFqg_H87aMJYI6DpMquXii0T-A7Fpn-KnxADnP9cwCKXXWOIeQSryna3kLvbhvKipkSFA_gxuk-h2ivNaxhclcwfGuCh4-T12iAzBBxky_L-zVNkVFHMFgAqA/s1600/armoire+bar.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/d9/6d/15/d96d15412e2433d7f31386cf1c0afce6.jpg
I love the drama of this hutch used as a library
Let's talk styles. There is Glamour
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e8/a3/ca/e8a3ca1e99327a89895cb9f20a5798f6.jpg
http://www.brit.co/2015-interior-trends/
And Rustic
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/f7/d5/c7/f7d5c70393554c8920a57e3f30a0e871.jpg
And Rustic-Glam
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/16/7f/e3/167fe3a9ae59672f6224d15fa08f3813.jpg
There is industrial
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/a3/98/7a/a3987ab7bcf65239a9c3ff107c945163.jpg
scandinavian
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-ideas-to-steal-from-scandinavian-style-master-bedrooms-224831?crlt.pid=camp.4HOfbg4dbzl8
and bohemian
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/08/c8/d6/08c8d6be0e8420b5fbc2ad8e87e3a730.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/c1/9f/57/c19f57c1c50c47aab39874dc992b594e.jpg
There are so many more styles like vintage, eclectic, industrial, coastal, etc.
Let's talk about some tricks:
blend two of your favorite styles into one room
forget about style as you start with what you have to look for function and size
This bedroom below isn't so much about color or pattern as it is about scale and balance
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e0/2a/4b/e02a4b8587ea4464b3829a2947749556.jpg
Kitchens are leaving the white painted cupboards with stainless steel and pendent lights
http://unskinnyboppy.com/2011/06/to-paint-or-not-to-paint-that-is/
And moving to be a totally unmatching personalized style
http://www.housebeautiful.com/design-inspiration/g3055/2016-interior-design-trends/?slide=10
Open shelves, gold hardward, and all shades of gray cupboards are also in
http://www.heidipiron.com/Kitchens/Traditional/34
Does it really matter?
I still have the yellow-beige dated wall paint in my house because I don't have a good enough reason to change it.
Trends can be fun and beautiful and inspiring, but in the end - it's all stuff. And we know that material things, stuff, doesn't matter.
SO - where is this balance between fashion and focus?
Let's run over a few things:
Remember what you want in your house. Do you want your bedroom to be a place to refresh and renew? What prevents that? Do you want it to feel more like a spa? Get the office feel and computer out, downsize the amount of clothing in the closets and keep it more empty? Beautiful bedding or soothing wall tones - if they're a tool to fulfill a purpose - are a great investment.
What do you want in your dining room? To have friends and family gather at a table for pie and games and homework and baby showers? Does the room feel too crowded? Too dull? Too dark? Too formal? If you change it up, will it help fulfill the purpose and inspire you to live your goals?
If your goal is to keep up with the Jones - you'll never have a home you love.
If your goal is to resell one day - make choices that makes your house live and be filled with love. That's the kind of house people want to buy.
If your goal is to have a house that helps your family dream and grow - find out ways to embrace sweet and fun changes.
HOW DO PEOPLE FEEL WHEN THEY CHANGE THEIR HOME FOR THE RIGHT GOALS?
- a healthy pride in their home
- more confident about opening their home
- more peaceful about being in their home
- more content in quality time together here instead of going out as a family or a couple
- ready to make more steps in life goals
- less fragmented and less frustrated
- renewed by the creative process
IF YOUR HUSBAND IS INVOLVED
Myquillyn Smith shares this wisdom. "Honey, I'd be really happy if you help me move the bed to the other wall."
and then, wait for it...... She then SHOWS happiness.
If you want your husband involved or to approve of the home changes, make sure it's a positive experience. This help your kids love the process too!
And, do stuff on your own ladies. Youtube it and get going.
WHAT IS REALLY OUT?
chevron. i wouldn't do anything major with that anymore.
all matching. a bed in a bag. matching bedroom furniture set. or matching livingroom set. don't spend a lot money on something that is all in one package.
big clocks as a statement piece. if you've got it - keep it. if you haven't, its not the latest or greatest anymore.
WHAT IS AND IS NOT WORTH THE MONEY?
Not worth it: trendy rugs. rugs change all the time. i wouldn't put a lot of money into a rug unless its safe or neutral.
Worth it: throw pillows - use them - they're not too expensive and totally add style
Worth it: lighting IS a great statement. if you find a good deal, use this to alter your room. Expensive but amazing.
Not worth it: bedding. it can be pricey and if it's the only thing you like in your room, chances are you'll want to change it up down the road. If you like your room in general a neutral bedding is fine. Use a throw or pillows to add bling.
Worth it: paint. clean and fresh and changes everything. when needed of course.
Not worth it: painting hardware or tile. chips off and never looks quality.
Not worth it: baskets and containers. Ways to hold stuff.
Worth it: Getting rid of stuff and having more space.
Not worth it: seasonal decorations that choke you and your storage
Worth it: a few large items and making/displaying current memories
Not worth it: stacks of books and magazines
Worth it: a bin or basket designated for the library
Worth it: nice livingroom or entryway wall art. This isn't the place for family photos but if you don't have a family room or staircase or hallway and you're going to do family pictures here, do an expensive artistic big print that you love (except it's outdated in a year) SO matching frames and big white mats and changing the individual photos is best. The white mats give it a much more professional and expensive feel in the repetition.
To sum it up:
I believe that everyone has a unique way of expressing themselves and a unique purpose as a family and has their own special callings.
Your clothing style, your communication style, your house style, and your ministry style - they're all reflections of your values and the person God made you. And they're all things that are worth an occasional evaluation. Have fun as you assess your home!
Goal #5 Scale
Goal #6 Style
Goal #7 Simplify
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