becoming the woman I want to be

I can remember that feeling of growing-up, the uncomfortable one, when I didn't like the memory because if I could re-do, I would have said something different. For example, embarrassing moments of loud laughing over something that you, seconds later, discover was a highly serious matter. Or making yourself vulnerable to someone and feeling rejected.

And then of course, the phase of trying to know myself and pushing my own views too far, as I confirmed them in my own heart - which translates into lacking grace for others and being harsh with failures, because I hadn't learned to forgive myself either.

That was before learning Eleanor Roosevelts "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

That was before learning who I was, and feeling comfortable and confident with myself, even when I hadn't put makeup on

That was before learning how to let go of yesterday and embrace today because, tomorrow comes quickly

But this week I had a reminder
of what it's like to not yet be the woman I want to be

One of my husbands co-workers stopped by to drop off something. I knew his dad was in the hospital and he looked weary. I tried to make a joke with him as I took the item to pass on to my hubby. I tried to be casual and entertaining, and lighten his heavy shoulders. But my jokes were slightly negative, making fun of my husband, or providing him the opportunity to do so.

and he didn't take it. He looked at me in slight confusion and disinterest; he was too tired to play social norm games

and then I remembered two things

I don't LIKE jokes that are negative. That isn't who I want to be. I've had this epiphany in the past.

For example my husband came up to an old man that I was talking to at church and teased "Are you flirting with her? I'm so sorry but she's taken - I don't want your heart to get broken."

Whereas he could have said, "I see you're talking with my wife. Do you have room in your backseat? Think you could take her home with you?

They're both a joke. But one is positive and one is negative and it takes far more wit (the risky of being cheesy is always there) and creates a far more positive environment to do the first. Poking fun of other people isn't going to destroy anything, but there is less charm and wholesome energy for sure.

So I had dropped the ball there.
I had also missed the opportunity to respond to my gracious instinct to just put my hand on his arm and say, "I heard that your dad has been in the hospital. Its sounds like a very difficult time for you and your family. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Is there any way we can pray for you?"

That's the woman I want to be.
And I'm not always her.
I know that is my true values though. And that it is a matter of being authentic and real.

There are those times that can't be helped - passing gas at a pretty dinner party or having your clingy toddler yank your skirt down in the checkout line.

But those moment are easier to laugh at then when we fail ourselves.

When we yell at our child who was just scared and we were even more scared. And we didn't want to yell.

When we tell our sister something rude because we have a different vision and in the end it doesn't matter and rudeness was the only problem in the whole thing.

When we hurt our husband and have days of his wounded heart because our tongue was moving before our brain was.

This all came to mind because a friend told me of frustration in her marriage, that her husband has fallen back into old habits of disconnect and avoiding her pushing (confrontation) - he avoids her pushing for them to fight to get closer. so he pulls away.

Several years ago they had struggled here and my girlfriend had been to the point of walking away from her marriage. Life got dramatic enough that she saw a counselor and really was brokenhearted over how crazy far everything had gone and that she honestly wanted her life and couldn't believe she had just about lost it all. The counselor then added her husband into the therapy and they could hash out some issues there. But from what I could tell, my girlfriend was the one who had completely changed. Her perspective on what she wanted and who she was and who she wanted to be, they were all different. It was her that changed.

New thought:
When we talk about accountability in church I usually cringe
It sounds like the right to come up to someone and judge them
Or worse yet expect them to treat you like their priest, where they need to do weekly confession to you

What accountability really is makes me glow with the beauty of it

Accountability is me knowing someone deeply enough to know their truth
To know what their core values are
and remind them of it when life gets cloudy and they forget

For this girlfriend, I remind her that sliding back into old habits of disconnect is something she is in control of through her own choice of happiness and perspective. That protecting herself from being vulnerable by fighting when frightened, or avoiding it all together - this is the fight and flight that she had dealt with long ago.

The real her doesn't fight OR flight.
The real girl that I know, the woman she is and wants to be, values grace. Values allowing him to be imperfect. Values giving him the benefit of the doubt because his actual track record (not the one she imagines when feeling insecure) shows that he's deeply loving and loyal and committed. And Values receiving grace for herself and living in that with a grateful heart.

And the woman she is and wants to be - that woman doesn't get her security from her husband anyway. She gets it from her relationship with a Heavenly Father who has loved her with an everlasting love and calls her beautiful. And calls her enough. And calls her his own.

So as I turn over my own day, and that of my friends, I smile at the Bible verse, "His mercies are new every morning" and I'm glad that a fresh start, and a fresh perspective, is available at any time. And that we can live in my own core values EVEN IF those around us are wrong. This is freedom. This is living true to ourselves. This is living in grace.