2015 started with tragedy. We were all at my parents house for Christmas, my oldest brother still recovering from nearly being killed by a drunk driver. My younger brother and my exchange student host brother were in a car crash right after Christmas, and the exchange student died instantly.
Shortly after that my sister gave birth to her son and he lived a few hours before dying.
And I was pregnant with my fourth child - longing for a daughter - and wrapping my head around another son. I wrestled the question of "Why am I having a fourth son when you KNOW God, how very much I want a daughter and how much my husband does too and how happy it would make us..." because that question was easier to figure out but I knew whatever the answer was, it would still apply to the harder bigger ones like, "Why did you let those two precious sons just die God?"
My whole life I've grown up knowing that God loves us and knows everything about us and wants to be in communion with us and for some reason He delights in us. But it didn't make sense, that God, letting a car crash take away the only son of these parents or that my sister needed to go through a whole pregnancy just to deliver a child who would soon die.
In Joshua there is a story that changed my perspective. 5:13-16 goes something like this:
Joshua looked up and saw a man (a Christophany, it was God appearing)
and he askes the Lord, "Are you for me or for my enemies?"”14
“Neither one,” he replied. “I am the commander of the LORD’s army.”
At this, Joshua fell with his face to the ground in reverence. “I am at your command,” Joshua said. “What do you want your servant to do?”
15The commander of the LORD’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did as he was told.
Those verses meant so much to me because God is not FOR us. He invites us to be for Him. He invites us to a place of holiness that goes beyond circumstances.
In otherwords, He doesn't really care if I have a birthed daughter.
He gave me four beautiful children and invites me to parent them on a holy journey. He invites me to use my desire to have a daughter to host exchange students, get involved with bus ministry kids, or maybe foster/adopt one day.
Sometimes I only saw God as a God of love - which He is - but missed out on the part that He came to transform hearts, not circumstances. One day He will transform circumstances as well, but in the meantime He is working with hearts. When Jesus died it was for salvation, so that we could have the fruit of the Spirit - but not so that we could get our wish list checked off.
It was freeing and beautiful to know that God doesn't care about the roadmap I have drawn, but He is doing something huge and invites me to be a part. To take off the running shoes I wanted to plow through life with and instead dig my toes into the sand and experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self control. Even when I don't get what I want.
My sister, the one with the baby who died, said (during her pregnancy) "This year wont be wasted unless I waste it"
How true. The death of her child wasn't a waste. Because her heart received and dealt in grace.
NEXT
God's will. This had been a tricky one for me in years past because I do think that God has a will and that we are to seek it and live earnestly in it. Most of the "rules" of the Bible are for our own good. God says to forgive our enemies not because it helps Him but because it allows us to be free. And reflects the gospel. But anyway, I was fed up with some people waiting on Gods will and never stepping forward and others who seemed to think that they could do whatever they wanted because if God willed differently then He'd change things.
In 1 Kings chapter 22 there is a story that made me think of God's will on a different note. God has a mission, something needs to be done about Ahab, but instead of telling an angel what to do He simply presents His mission and lets the angels have a conference about it!
20“The LORD said, ‘Who will entice Ahab to go up and fall at Ramoth-gilead?’ And one said this while another said that. 21“Then a spirit came forward and stood before the LORD and said, ‘I will entice him.’22“The LORD said to him, ‘How?’ And he said, ‘I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouth of all his prophets.’ Then He said, ‘You are to entice him and also prevail. Go and do so.’
So, looking at those verses made me think.
God: there is a problem with starving children
One says this another says that
Person: I will do something, I am willing
God: Glad that youre willing but how. Have you thought this out?
Person: Yes, here are my plans God
God: I will bless that. Go for it.
NEXT
Jeremiah tells everyone they must be in exile for 70 years, that if they try to rebel against Babylon they will be crushed. There are some false prophets who say, "Its actually just 2 years not 70. We can fight back and win within 2 years"
But God said no - submit to Nebuchadnezzar. God has plans. Because Israel left God He let them go into captivity. Because they were not fulfilling their calling to take the truth to all the parts of the world. Israel wasn't God's pet for the fun of it. They were supposed to be the chosen ones - chosen to tell the whole world of God and His love. Jonah is a good example of how much Israel hated to go share the gospel with the rest of the world, he didn't want to go to that non-jewish city nor was he happy when they repented. And anyway in this time of 70 years of captivity we had Daniel and Shadrack Meshek and Abendigo all proclaiming the gospel in powerful ways to the city that ruled that whole world. So God was helping accomplish His bigger picture even in the story of captivity.
My pastor spoke on these things and got choked up and cried in the middle of the sermon thinking of his grandson who had just been born with spina bifita. Why would God give a child who will never have a normal life, and what was the point of it all? And God what do you want us to do when we are in a difficult thing that doesn't go away - like cancer or a divorce or death of a dream. And this is what God says - Find beauty anyways. Plant a garden. Thrive. If you're feeling trapped and stuck, know this:
“Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. 6Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. 7But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare0“For thus says the LORD: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfareb and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Overall this past year I gained three deep truths
1. God isn't on my side. But He invites me to be on His. And thats a far better adventure.
2. God's Will isnt something written in stone. It is His blessing as people do what they're called to do. If I'm a mom, His will is for me to be a good mom. If I'm a neighbor, His will is for me to be a good neighbor. If I'm a friend, His will is for me to be a good friend. If I have a burden for a problem, His will is for me to come up with a way to fight it - to fight it while resting in Him.
3. When I'm stuck in a long thing - something that isn't going away for 3 years or 10 years or 70 years - God wants me to thrive anyway. To live large anyway. To be free in Him anyway.
And those were my 3 big points of last year.
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